Twenty-five years

I woke up June 3rd, 1983 expecting to go to my last day of kindergarten. Instead, my dad told me and my brother that our mother had passed away.

I was six, she was 30 years old. I realized that I am now older than she was! The strange thing is that I am living in the same house she lived in when she passed away, and have two young children... my oldest is almost exactly the same age my brother was when she died.

Obviously my grief is not as "strong" as it was when I was younger, but I have a greater understanding of what she left behind. She actually committed suicide, and was very depressed for a number of years. For this reason, I am a great advocate of people who struggle with depression, especially mothers, seeking help if they feel overwhelmed or depressed or worthless. My mother honestly thought we would be better off without her, but that is not true at all. Her death still affects me today, and I am so sad she doesn't know her sweet granddaughters. And even in her depression, I believe she was a good mother. I have many wonderful memories of her.

If anyone is reading this and you are have the false belief that your life is not worth living, I beg of you, think again. You don't know  how much your children and unborn grandchildren will miss you. My four year old talks about her "grandma who isn't alive, and I'll see her in Heaven with Jesus... Mommy she will get a new body too, right?" I hope and pray so though I really don't know of course.

I'll snuggle these girls a little closer today... I'm thankful that my mental health is better than my mother's and that truly nothing could compell me to leave these little girls. And I lift up my mother to God, who is the only one who truly knew her or knows where she is. Lord have mercy.

Comments

[Mama Grizzly]

You have me in tears..... depression is very sad and it breaks my heart that we don't understand it better, don't recognize it better.... May the Lord comfort you today as you remember your Mom.

[Jenni]

Wow, what a powerful and sad post. My own mother's mom died when she was 11 and I've always wondered how she (my mom) would be different had she really known her mom.

Thanks for sharing.

[meggan]

Your girls are blessed to have you, Elizabeth.

[Carol]

Oh, my, God bless you. My daughter is six. God surely has carried you to this point. You are doing so great for your girls.

[Becka]

My mom will be gone 15 years this December 31. I fear everyday that I will leave my kids the way she left me. But I do live everyday to the fullest, and tell them about her every day. I was 17, she was 37. I am now 32. I have anxiety more and more as I get closer to the age she was when she died. I am thinking of you!

[TulipGirl]

*tears*