in the thicket

I only hate parenting when I always act like an adult

I can't say that I was surprised by the recent article in New York Magazine called "All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting." Parenting is not easy. I have sacrificed a lot, as has my husband. And I know that you have too, if you are a parent. All parents I know are acutely aware of this. We can easily list all the things we have given up for our kids, though we can also probably give you a run-down of some favorite memorable moments of joy along the way.

I don't want to make light of this terrible situation that parents find themselves in. Really, I don't. But I do want to take a moment to remind myself and other parents of two things. First, we were once really annoying, needy kids ourselves, who probably aggravated and caused many gray hairs for our parents. But we grew up. Good news, so will our kids and I'm hoping that mine are still speaking to me when it's all done! Second, it is probably time for adults in my generation to LIGHTEN UP a bit more often, and stop taking this raising of kids so seriously. Really, it is not a competitive sport!

I love it when my kids won't let me act like an adult, when they drag me into their games. Children are really amazing, at least mine are. (I'm sure yours are too!) Last night I received an invitation to a party that was to be held today, from my 6 year old Charlotte. She had made invitations for everyone in the family, and was very excited about it! Today after we got back from the pool (where we had a lot of fun, incidentally) she spent about two hours happily preparing and planning for this party. She and my 4 yo made paper chains to decorate our fireplace, and she planned activities and games. 

After dinner we were "summoned" to our party, and I have to admit that my husband and I were sort of looking at each other and probably thinking so Hmmm we really have to play along with this, don't we? And we did. We just went with it, of course, because what else do you do when you've been invited to a party planned just for you? The hand-crafted party hats went on, we admired the decorations and dutifully participated in "warm up exercises" in anticipation of party games. Then we all really played and had FUN playing a game of "pop the stools with the pillow" ("It's like whack-a-mole Mommy!) and enjoyed a hilarious game of "Pin the tail on Hello Kitty", as we made our way across the family room, blindfolded with a playsilk, to pin the tail (old packing tape) on Hello Kitty (drawn by Charlotte on a cardboard scrap.) It was really fun, we were roaring with laughter!

I feel really amazed sometime to have such sweet and funny daughters, who will one day be funny and amazing women. I don't want to spoil their childhood or damage our future relationship by spending too much time feeling weighed down by my great responsibility of being their mother and counting all that I have given up. Yes, I have done those things and yes I have a great responsibility as their mother. But it's really not supposed to be drudgery to be a parent, I don't think so anyway. They are not asking me to be miserable and overwhelmed, and if I am, then it's more about me than them, really. They want to be loved and cared for, and for sometimes me to join them as a playmate. It's actually pretty darn fun, when I let myself be in the moment and stop obsessing about things.

Charlotte informed me that she plans to have a party at least once a month. And that is just fine with me. :)

Putting my chef hat back on

I really hate that when I get "too busy" that cooking good food is one of the first things that I drop doing. The lure of "easy food" is often too tempting, even though I don't really "believe" in eating that way. Buying and preparing the best-quality food that I can afford is one of my "ideals" yet it is one of the hardest for me to be consistent with.

I have to remind myself that good food doesn't have to be fancy or hard. I am sure that I make it much harder than it really is! At times I get in a wonderful routine of planning, shopping and cooking and though it is a lot of "work" it is just what I do. Then something will happen- travel, a prolonged illness of a family member (for example this spring I dealt with my youngest having pneumonia), or just putting too much stuff on my calendar. Then I call on my husband to "just pick something up" and also allow some more convenience foods to appear on the menu when I do cook. I always experience the consequences of this- feeling blah, getting tired of eating the same kind of food (because take-out food/fast food in our budget is actually all rather similar after a while), a sense of guilt about both spending money on food away from home and all the food that I wasted or is sitting unused in my freezer.

I'm trying to come out of a LONG season (really since Easter) of not eating that well or cooking that well. Way too much fast food (usually Wendy's, Chick-fil-a, Char-grille, a sandwich shop, pizza, chinese or sometimes Panera or similar) has been consumed. They are OK for a *very* occasional treat, but definitely not food to live on! (And really, I could do without eating at any of them again... though I know life being what it is, I will eat there sometimes.) They are all really incompatible with my dietary goals and what I like my family to be eating. And obviously not good for the budget- $10-20 for our family. I can always cook better quality food with leftovers for less than that. Really my husband and I have eaten more bad food than my girls- they are content with pretty simple foods that I can easily cook at home, but my husband in particular gets "tired" of the kind of food my girls eat.

Sometimes I feel like I need to be a magician to cook for my family, though I know it's not true. I'm trying to reduce grains in my diet, and eat more fruit/veg, protein and good fats (no industrial oils, which is why fast food/take-out is really a big no-no for me.) However my girls do fine with grains and seem to prefer them, though they do love chicken and beef and each have an assortment of fruits/veggies that they happily eat. (Yay!) I would like my husband to eat more like me, and he's agreed to make a commitment to cut out his nightly snacking on chips (baked lays usually) or chex mix, for a month, to see how he does. I'm OK with my girls continuing to eat grains (though I try to add butter or cheese or pesto or chicken broth to them when I can, to help with blood sugar and increase nutrition) but I do need to consistently provide more good protein/fruit/veg for them... too often the quick meals I make for them are grain-based with maybe a side of fruit. So I'd like to make it more like other good stuff + side of grain. So, it is challenging to think about the different nutritional needs of my family plus the taste preferences (husband won't eat tomatoes or potatoes, one daughter won't eat crunchy vegetables, one won't eat broccoli, nobody likes peas or cooked greens other than me.)

And sometimes when I go back to actually buying food it is easy to cringe at prices. An organic pastured chicken for $4.50 a lb- yikes! But a meal at Wendy's costs $15-20 and is really almost like throwing money away! I can take a $12-16 chicken (*gulp*) and roast it and make a meal out of that, have some meat leftover for something else, and then make stock for other uses... at least I believe that I can, having never been able to bring myself to buy a $16 chicken. (I'm thinking about it, though!) I usually go for a better-quality chicken (like $8-10) but I would love to buy the best quality I can. I really need to think about how much money we've wasted on eating out and use that to help me get things in perspective.

Another thing that is helping me get my chef hat back on is just thinking about how it feels to cook food. I love cutting up vegetables and fruit. I was so inspired by a beautiful fruit salad I had this week at a church function... a lovely variety of fruits cut into really tiny pieces to match the size of the blueberries and champagne grapes. I did not enjoy any of the junky food I've eaten recently as much as I enjoyed a scoop of that fruit salad. I also love sauteing vegetables, eating food that my husband has grilled, and enjoying fresh fruits and salads. The smells, tastes, and textures are so important. And those things are often blunted or just strange in mass-produced food.

So, here's to putting my chef's hat back on. I hope that I can both keep in mind that cooking is important for me and my family, the best choice for our budget and our health, and also can be fun. I also love to get inspiration from different websites out there, here are a few of my favorites that have inspired me recently!

Joyful Abode

The Pioneer Woman

The Healthy Home Economist

In Search of Lost Time

Kitchen Stewardship

I'd love to hear what inspires you to cook and keep cooking, even when it seems like a chore or just one more thing to do! :)

Wordless Wednesday

How to capture small people who make big messes

It's really amazing how small people make such big messes, isn't it? 

Probably more than anything, the cleaning, the constant, never-ending, house is NEVER clean from top-to-bottom feeling is what is overwhelming to me as a mom. I tell new moms, in all seriousness, to enjoy their house being as clean as it ever will be, when their children are infants. The toddler stage can get a bit crazy, but you can really keep a handle on the number of toys they have, and they still nap, so it is manageable. But, if you add another baby at some point it really does get a bit harder, there is less time and more mess. I was quite certain that once both my girls were older, that it would be easier, because they would not be as "needy."

Ha! What did I know?

They are still needy, but now they can both make messes. Our house is home to a myriad of small messes, craft activities and toys abandoned. I stumble upon a pile of small pieces of construction paper, some pipe cleaners and a half completed flower. (Which matches the one lovingly bestowed on me earlier.) A cat scratching post covered in a playsilk, with a hat stuck on top... obviously a "fashion model", right? The doll house, emptied of furniture, which is all arranged in Ikea storage bins turned sideways and stacked into an "apartment building." (Yeah, not really sure why we wasted money on the doll house, should have just bought the furniture and some boxes!) And of course, the crumbs, banana peels, cereal bar wrappers, abandoned cups of water... wait a minute, I thought we had rules about where they could eat? The upstairs toys that are downstairs, again. Many, many small hairbrushes which belong to dolls and ponies (or maybe a fairy or two.) What appears to be the hand prints of a small herd of critters covers my back storm door, I can practically imagine their small faces peering, trying to get in...

Which leads me to imagination. My secret weapon in coping with the messes of the small people who live with me. "Reminders" aka nagging doesn't work well for me, and we are not a chart kind of family. (Though we do own a chore chart.) I can't keep track of jobs to assign but I do expect everyone to pitch in as they are able to. As an adult, I tend to find strict "systems" overbearing and overwhelming, and I never succeed at them though I can definitely accomplish quite a lot when I want or need to. And I really find that attitude goes a long way. If I can find a way to make my chores (which ARE that, chores!) more enjoyable, by listening to a podcast, audio book, music; calling a friend; having an interesting thought to ponder, then it is just less overwhelming and more doable. And what is even better? Having little helpers (who at 4 & 6 yo really CAN help!) by my side.

I never really ask my kids to help me do anything other than toy pick-up. Sometimes I use the "accountability" method, and will tell me oldest, "OK, I'm going to turn off the computer and see how much I can get done for the next hour! Can you and your sister play by yourselves?" This method has about a 75% success rate for both girls running to help me, and I would say 100% of the time at least one of them wants to "help mommy". I also do the silent routine where I will disappear mysteriously while they are playing (or fighting) and then one of them will have an issue and come and find me, and then want to join in.

Once I have them "plugged in" I have an official policy of "NEVER say NO!" I mean really, if my child is insistent upon scrubbing a toilet, who am I to say no? Because of this, I have tried to develop a stash of child-friendly cleaners. The feather duster was a big hit until Charlotte disassembled it as she searched for the perfect feather to use to make her "quill pen". But they also love microfiber cloths (which work great slightly dampened.) I also have made my own cleaners, use baking soda/vinegar, and also bought some Shaklee Basic H so I could mix up an effective but CHEAP (per bottle) cleaner because when they get to squirting, they use it up fast! I really need to get more rags, though, they use way too many paper towels.

But really, I do try to make cleaning fun for them. We make up stories about what they are doing, and we pretend that we are getting ready for a party (a FANCY tea party, usually!) The Fancy Nancy books have given me a lot of good material to work with. My husband doesn't care for them (he thinks that they give our 6 yo too many "ideas") but I actually like to point out that much of her "fancy" stuff is invented or possibly thrifted. But it really increases the motivation to talk about making our house "extra fancy!" Today, for example, I put a scoop of baking soda and some essential oils (lemon and sweet orange) in a cup, and mixed them together. I covered it with a piece of tinfoil, poked holes in it, and then gave it to my 6 yo to sprinkle on the carpets before I vacuumed. I sold it as "Extra Fancy powder that takes away the bad smells!" and told her that she needed to "find the floor" of her room (clothes in hamper, books on shelves, toys put away) before she could sprinkle it. She oohed and aahed over it, and had great fun sprinkling everywhere. And it probably did some good and didn't smell half bad. I could tell it definitely inspired her, though, she continued to look for little things to clean and do, with a cheerful attitude, without prompting. Because it was play. And of course it ended as an "extra fancy tea party" with REAL TEA and graham crackers, at a table she decorated with a play silk and some other pretty things. She carefully served the tea, then allowed time for reading (I was able to chose my own book) and a craft, planned and explained by her.

It's so easy for me to forget that for small people who make big messes, play is important and all-consuming (the work of childhood) and really work can and often should be "play" for them. It often feels like drudgery to me, but then I just have to take a moment to look at the work I do through the new eyes of my children, and see the play that it can be. Sometimes it can be work to make my work feel like play to me and them, but I think it is worth doing. I love to capture their imaginations and see how fruitful they are, how they surprise me and go beyond what I even expected. Without threats or punishment. With just inspiration and imagination.

I wrote this post as a Ministry of Reality Monday post... the reality is that there is an awful lot of work to be done in a household with small children, so it really is important to drop the perfectionism and when it is possible, have a little fun with it! And capture some small people with imagination while you're at it.

Cycle of life

This week, the book most requested by my girls was "The Bumblebee Queen," a lovely book which presents the life cycle of a Bumblebee Queen and her colony. Both girls are fascinated by the diagram of the life cycle of the bumblebee which is part of the reference notes at the back of the book.

Fighting to talk louder than the other, they try to "explain" it to me...

"Mommy, first it's the little eggs and then the little worms and then the bigger worms and then it makes a cocoon and then it gets out and then it's gray and then it's a QUEEN!" 

"Arghhh! MOMMY! I wanna say it. First it's the little dots, then it's a worm and it gets bigger and bigger and bigger..."

"No, that's not a worm, it's a COCOON!"

Anyway, I'm glad they love it. And did you know that a bumblebee does entrancing things like make a honey pot and first it is a larvae and then spins a cocoon? I can't believe I'm a "grown up" and didn't know that. I knew about butterflies and moths, of course, but never considered bumblebees. An obvious gap in my education.

Thankful I have two reasons to keep learning... even if it gets a bit intense at times!

Real struggles, real encouragement...

I'm sitting here, watching some reality television (Big Brother- SHHHHH please don't tell anyone), thinking about the issue of being real. To be honest, this is the first time I've watched it, so it is a bit confusing, since I don't know all the characters, and their back stories, etc. But because it is "reality" TV I can watch knowing that there will be some transparency, back-story filled in, strategic editing, so that I can get hooked into the "real drama" created by sticking a group of exhibitionists into a house filled with cameras. Along with a mole, just in case there isn't enough drama and betrayal as they try to "make it to the end"!

I actually think that everyday life and real people are much more interesting than reality TV. But... in real life, people are so much harder to get to "know" since we don't always share our struggles along with our strengths. I think that we all have ways that we'd like to present ourselves as being. I like to present myself as being a cheerful, helpful person who has good things to say about other people (and has sweet children that you want to be around as well!) Of course, the reality is that while I may truly be those things sometimes, I can obviously be cranky, unhelpful, think and speak poorly of others and sometimes my kids are NOT much fun to be around. And because of a recent experience at a local business, I felt very "outed" and my not-so-nice side, my overwhelmed and focused like a mama-bear on my children's "rights" side came out. It was a very unpleasant experience, but I can say some good came out of it- a good reminder of my own personal weakness and bias and the chance to think through how I could have handled the situation differently. Also, I was willing to share the details of the situation with people that I'm close to, and was able to get feedback from them about what happened and that helped me worked through the discomfort of the situation and learn my lesson and move forward. It is a blessing that I have people that I trust enough to share about a situation where my own behavior wasn't admirable, and to know that they will still love and accept me. The real me. 

I think that one of the hardest places to be real is, unfortunately, in a Christian community. I think there is often the temptation to present an image of having it "all together" at church and with church friends. (I suspect that people even censor or edit their prayer requests!) But I think it's also somewhere that it really "pays off" to be real with other people, if it is truly a community of people who love Christ. I'm pretty much determined to test this out in my current church. If I can't be real about issues or struggles I have, especially within the church context, then I don't want to be there. I want to be somewhere that it's safe to struggle, to need prayer, to need encouragement and support. And to actually be able to receive it.

My current "Let's be real" issue is the struggle that I have with my six year-old, who is let's just say resistant and resentful about being in the entire worship service. Because our church is growing rapidly and has limited room, a decision was made to "move up" six year olds to worship service, instead of allowing them the option of being in children's church. This is probably a topic for another post, but our church (seems) to strongly support families worshiping together, which is something that I appreciate but it's not my own personal strongly-felt conviction. (I would be fine if we went to a church with children's church through 5th grade, as it was at my church growing up.) I look around in the congregation, and I see children of all ages sitting in the service, some participating fairly actively (following along, singing); others tolerating it but still behaving appropriately. Well, I was the one who had the grumpy, resentful child who was really quite furious and disappointed that she couldn't go to "kids' church" anymore because she doesn't understand the service, it is long and boring, the room makes her sleepy and it's just not fair! (To share a few things that she has said along the way.)

Parenting techniques and philosophies abound in terms of how to transform my resentful, recalcitrant child into a content, obedient child who at least tolerates being in service. But in the meanwhile, I realized that I needed support! So I chose to be honest with some moms in the congregation that I trusted, about how my daughter was having a hard time (and I was having a hard time coping with her, too). I feel like that was one of the best things that I could have done... pretty much when I spoke to anyone, I would share how my children were having a tough time adjusting to and participating in the service (both are, but my youngest can still go to Children's Church). Because of this, I have received encouragement, heard stories about their own challenges, have gotten tips, a card of encouragement and people do take the time to check in with me and ask how she's doing. This is really why I'm still going to this church.

At one point we had to pick up Charlotte, physically, and leave the service, and I then found myself in the parking lot, sobbing about the situation, hopeless that it would ever get any better. Torn, because I didn't want to leave the church, but at the same time I do not want my children to hate the church. But, God is good and things are getting better. Charlotte now has (generally) socially acceptable behavior in the service. And now that I'm not trying to manage her behavior on a moment-by-moment basis, I can start to think and pray about what I want for her, really. Of course I'd love her to behave beautifully and "do me proud" but what I REALLY want is for her to love God and to love being there, part of the Christian community of the church. In a way I don't want her to "edit" her behavior or struggles to be more socially acceptable. I want her to be truly transformed, for God's love to touch her and amaze her so that she longs to be there, longs for fellowship with other believers, to hear the Word preached, to participate fully in communal worship. I know that there is a long way to go, but I do have faith that it will happen. And I love how God takes my real struggles and issues, and teaches me through them, and allows me to be encouraged and convicted. Thank you, Lord.

Ministry of Reality Mondays- Martyr for a Mommy? No thanks!

There are two things that I have been struggling with recently, which seem to be in violent opposition to each other. The first is a long-time struggle, my inability to chose to take personal time for myself away from my children or to focus on my own personal interests or desires for any length of time, before returning to whatever care-taking or child-focused task I need to engage in. The second is that my daughters, now 6 and 4 years old, are watching me and in fact are quite enthralled with anything I do that is not related to them. They may, in fact, be my own personal cheer-leading squad in the making.

Yet they "need" me so much and all my energy and focus goes to them, some days leaving me with well, not much to give to anyone else. Including them, on some days that seem to last forever.

Well, what's a mommy to do?

I can see some of the same similarities in my husband, which is probably not a good combination and might explain why some of our weekends don't really go as we desire. He has a really hard time either leaving work early, taking vacation days (let's just say he has enough vacation time that we could plan a cross-country driving trip at this point) or letting me know that he really wants some time to do something for himself. Recently I strongly encouraged him to take two extra days for July 4th so that we could spend some time visiting his family and doing some sight-seeing in the area. He mentioned that his boss had recently chided him, "Don't worry, there is ALWAYS work to do!" She's a mom with older kids who is very familiar with the work-family balance and seems to have a bit less trouble taking time off than my husband does, though she works very very hard from what I hear when she is at work. I think she has a valid point, though. There is ALWAYS "mommying" to be done... or housecleaning... or laundry... or organizing... need I go on? 

And I have to think about what my girls are seeing in me. Yes, they love me dearly (to the point where my four year will walk past, as she did JUST NOW and say, "I love you!" for no particular reason at all.) They love my attention. And I do know how to do things "just so" to manage our particular dynamics. But do I really want them to think that being a mommy means that you have to give up your own personal interests and dreams? I fear that at least my six year old is starting to believe that. She often tells me things like, "Mommy, I want to be an artist when I grow up. I don't want to get married though or have kids. Actually, I will be a veterinarian for my main job and then be an artist for my hobby." I hate that she seems to believe that pursuing her own dreams is incompatible with motherhood- that is NOT what I want to teach her!

My girls do know about my other interests, and my dreams of one day possibly becoming a lactation consultant or working in some other capacity. I've had to make some choices recently which do take me away from my little family more than I have been away from them in the past. They've spent more time with just their dad and also their granddad in the past few months than they ever have before in their life. And really, they had a great time! My youngest still struggles a little bit with separation from me and is very glad to see me when I return, but I can see that she is getting closer to her dad because she is getting more one-on-one time with him.

So whenever I leave my house, even though it still feels strange on some level (partly because of how I interpreted attachment parenting philosophy in the early going, though now I see the need to let my philosophy grow with my children and our family's changing needs), I know it's a good thing. Whether I'm leaving to participate in volunteer work without my girls underfoot, leaving to go sit in a coffee shop for a couple of hours with a good book or heading out to meet a friend for dessert, I know that my time away from my children might be becoming as important as my time with them. That's my new reality. 

If you'd like to see more "Ministry of Reality Monday" posts, check out the Mothering by Grace blog!