There are two things that I have been struggling with recently, which seem to be in violent opposition to each other. The first is a long-time struggle, my inability to chose to take personal time for myself away from my children or to focus on my own personal interests or desires for any length of time, before returning to whatever care-taking or child-focused task I need to engage in. The second is that my daughters, now 6 and 4 years old, are watching me and in fact are quite enthralled with anything I do that is not related to them. They may, in fact, be my own personal cheer-leading squad in the making.
Yet they "need" me so much and all my energy and focus goes to them, some days leaving me with well, not much to give to anyone else. Including them, on some days that seem to last forever.
Well, what's a mommy to do?
I can see some of the same similarities in my husband, which is probably not a good combination and might explain why some of our weekends don't really go as we desire. He has a really hard time either leaving work early, taking vacation days (let's just say he has enough vacation time that we could plan a cross-country driving trip at this point) or letting me know that he really wants some time to do something for himself. Recently I strongly encouraged him to take two extra days for July 4th so that we could spend some time visiting his family and doing some sight-seeing in the area. He mentioned that his boss had recently chided him, "Don't worry, there is ALWAYS work to do!" She's a mom with older kids who is very familiar with the work-family balance and seems to have a bit less trouble taking time off than my husband does, though she works very very hard from what I hear when she is at work. I think she has a valid point, though. There is ALWAYS "mommying" to be done... or housecleaning... or laundry... or organizing... need I go on?
And I have to think about what my girls are seeing in me. Yes, they love me dearly (to the point where my four year will walk past, as she did JUST NOW and say, "I love you!" for no particular reason at all.) They love my attention. And I do know how to do things "just so" to manage our particular dynamics. But do I really want them to think that being a mommy means that you have to give up your own personal interests and dreams? I fear that at least my six year old is starting to believe that. She often tells me things like, "Mommy, I want to be an artist when I grow up. I don't want to get married though or have kids. Actually, I will be a veterinarian for my main job and then be an artist for my hobby." I hate that she seems to believe that pursuing her own dreams is incompatible with motherhood- that is NOT what I want to teach her!
My girls do know about my other interests, and my dreams of one day possibly becoming a lactation consultant or working in some other capacity. I've had to make some choices recently which do take me away from my little family more than I have been away from them in the past. They've spent more time with just their dad and also their granddad in the past few months than they ever have before in their life. And really, they had a great time! My youngest still struggles a little bit with separation from me and is very glad to see me when I return, but I can see that she is getting closer to her dad because she is getting more one-on-one time with him.
So whenever I leave my house, even though it still feels strange on some level (partly because of how I interpreted attachment parenting philosophy in the early going, though now I see the need to let my philosophy grow with my children and our family's changing needs), I know it's a good thing. Whether I'm leaving to participate in volunteer work without my girls underfoot, leaving to go sit in a coffee shop for a couple of hours with a good book or heading out to meet a friend for dessert, I know that my time away from my children might be becoming as important as my time with them. That's my new reality.
If you'd like to see more "Ministry of Reality Monday" posts, check out the Mothering by Grace blog!
Beautifully said, and very, very encouraging. Wow. I really like how you're seeing modeling as part of your parenting, even when that modeling involves you doing things on your own.
Posted by: Joannabug | July 05, 2010 at 05:30 PM