in the thicket

Some birthday thoughts... for myself, mostly!

So, today is my birthday! I'm thirty-five today. Tomorrow is my oldest daughter's birthday, she will be eight! I always tell her she should be thankful that she has her own birthday, since they wanted to induce me such that she would have been born on *my* birthday. But being the ever-so-thoughtful person I am, I held out... then gave in and allowed them to START inducing me on my birthday, so that my in-laws could make it home in time to be with the rest of the family on Thanksgiving. It's always been one of those funny things to me... how when you have a child, suddenly your own birthday is so much less important. Yeah, mine is just the one before the really important birthday, which is sort of a birthday for me as well, since it's the day I got to become a hands-on mommy instead of an in-utero mommy. So, the birth of a mother.

I think we all tend to have those dates or birthdays or moments when you do stop and take stock. I think this might be my moment. It's been a pretty interesting 35 years for me (it's always good when someone thinks their own life is interesting, right?) and a pretty intense eight years of motherhood as well. So much of who I am is defined by being a mother. It's always fun to think of myself in my different stages- I definitely have my favorite! A child in a troubled family (alcoholism, suicide, remarriage, bad marriage, divorce, abundance and poverty, emotional abuse were all at play in my family growing up). A teen trying to separate and individuate, somewhat unsuccessfuly, in high school. In college, finally gaining independence and confidence and finding my niche (this was one of of my favorite stages!) Then grad school, which the transition to adulthood and then marriage. And when I should have been wrapping that up and settling into an academic career, a new little person came into my life, and I decided to focus on being a mom instead. New adventures, new titles, and lots of "it's not about me, it's about them" came into focus.

I love my life. I really don't have regrets, other than wasting time, money and energy on things that I shouldn't have. I'm really glad to be where I am in life right now. Yes, there are moments of being frustrated and overwhelmed, but really I'm good. And thankful. And blessed.

But, I think it's good to sort of stop here for a minute, and think about things. Sort of take a deep breath. My children are not so little right now, but they are still needy, and will be for a while. And try to look ahead to my next milestones... one year out, five years out. What will it be like when I'm 40? I know my family will still be my primary focus- I'll be celebrating my daughter's 13th birthday when I'm 40! I really hope that I will be someone who is up for the task of parenting a teen daughter, well, in this time and place. And I hope that I find joy and satisfaction in my life a year and five years from now.

I'm trying to shape my thoughts about what my priorities are, so that I can be the woman that I want and hope to be down the road. When I think of my future self, I hope that I am more of who God wants me to be, since I know He is at work, transforming me. I'm so easily distracted, by the unimportant (which is not the same as mundane, to me) that I had to come up with some simple words that capture how I want to be in five years.

Connected... I hope that I continue to be strongly connected to my husband, children, family, and friends. I hope that I can continue to build friendships and deepen relationships. I also am thinking of connections to church and volunteer organizations that I am part of.

Content... I think it's very natural when looking forward to be thinking of material things, accomplishments, home environment, etc. I hope that I am content, not because I will have more, but because I will have the right attitude about what I have. And of course, I hope I am content with less, do more with less, and all those other lovely simple living philosophies.

Confident... Here I'm thinking of a confidence in God, in knowing that I belong to Him, that he has placed me here for a reason. The kind of confidence that I'm thinking of doesn't come from self-help books, but will come out of relationship with the Lord and others that he places in my life. And confidence knowing that if things don't go as I plan or hope or dream (and they may very well not!) that he's there with me.

What I don't want to be... a mindless consumer! What I do want to be- a doer! A creative, active person. I want to be mindful about my use of technology (I have to admit I've played a few too many games on my new smartphone!), media and getting sucked up in the obtainment of stuff (aka be content.)

As a mother of course I always have plenty to do, but I need to be thoughtful and also I do need to have a better handle on the big picture. I can continue to be pretty much at my children's beck and call, and find myself exhausted in five years. Or I can be largely available to my children, but also carve out some time for me to do things that are good for me and will help me be a better mother. I need to get better at that balance, and maybe look for women in my life who model this well. (I don't want to stop being an attentive mom, but I am really looking forward to doing things that are important to me personally, and I need to model that for my girls as well.)

This has been a fun mental exercise. I'm always just thankful to be here, mindful of my rather privileged existence (to have the ability to be home with my kids, and not want for food or shelter, and be with people I love and care about.) As the daughter of a mother who committed suicide, I think that somehow that sharpens my awareness and thankfulness for where I am today. I wish that my mother was here to celebrate my birthday with me, but sadly she is not. Still, I am thankful that she was my mother, and that I'm here today.

What are my habits, anyway?

I think about this a lot, what my habits are and what they say about me. When I read what educator Charlotte Mason writes about habits, sometimes I feel a bit unformed and hopeless myself- how can I cultivate good habits in my children, when no one really took the time to cultivate them in me, so now I really have to train myself, in a way?

That's discouraging. But maybe I shouldn't be discouraged. I'm sure I have some bad habits "to break" so to speak, but I also have some good habits, too. And I think they show where my heart is...

Things I do pretty much every day...

Hug & snuggle & "love on" my children.

Kiss my husband and tell him I love him.

Enjoy my kids and spend time talking to them.

Prepare one to four meals a day (sometimes I do two dinners, an earlier, simpler kid dinner and something later for the adults... that's a new habit, actually.)

Clean something. Or a lot of somethings. Or clean a lot.

Plan something.

Laugh with my girls or say silly things.

Put my glasses on. I can't see otherwise.

Comfort someone who is hurting.

Read... for myself and to my girls. Always.

Put my children to bed every night with our fairly elaborate bedtime routine. I am blessed to watch my four year-old fall asleep every night. (Take that as you will, how I feel about it depends on the night!)

"Check in" with one or more of my friends.

Check my email and check in with imaginary friends (some of whom are real people I have met, I swear.)

Things I wish I did every day but I still do a lot but should do more... I guess things I want to become habits, to become natural?

Pray, more than short desperate "help me out Lord" prayers.

Along with that, spend more time in the Word...

Write more. Write everyday. Not just messageboards, email or blogging.

Walking... for exercise and more regularly. (I sort of have a plan on this one.)

Discern what's really important and let the rest go. Cease from beating myself up.

Count my blessings and rejoice.

How about you? What do your habits say about you, the good ones anyway? How do you go about establishing new habits? Mine just came to be because they are what's important for me and necessary for my life. They come from the love of my heart and from the hopes and dreams that I have. I don't think I can adopt habits that are not "me" or that don't fit my purpose in life and God-given personality.

Maybe what I'm describing above is more habits as a way of being, rather than a tool for accomplishing goals or being super-productive or wealthy or such. But they certainly shape and enrich and in part define my life, and I think show who I really am and what I want my life to be like.

 

Over the years...

There is comfort in living in the same house for much of your life. Right now I'm raising my family in the house where I lived between ages 6 and 16 years old, and returned home from college and visited on vacations between 20 and 30 years old, and have lived here myself since I was 31 years old.

Yesterday Charlotte was learning to rollerblade... I learned to rollerskate on the same cement pad where she was rollerblading...

Today my dad is over, helping fix some things around here. Football is on... NC State versus Clemson. Kids are playing. My youngest grabs hold of his leg and sits on his foot as he walks around the house. "Where's Gwen? I can't find her!" Giggles... "I'm down here, on your foot!"

He sits down to watch the game after awhile. "Granddaddy, play hide and seek, come find me!" "No, sorry, I need to keep an eye on the game for your dad. But don't come sit next to me on the couch... don't do it." Laughter as she runs for the couch. "Oh no, I said no, don't sit here!" More giggles, then more tickling, and more silliness.

Giving thanks

I didn't want to leave that last post up for too long as the most recent post. I will leave it for posterity, but I don't want to stay in that place, so to speak!

Granddad stopped by yesterday after voting, to see if I wanted to go vote while he watched the girls. (I did but ack not registered, a result of my procrastination/anxiety about getting my driver's license renewed in this state, but I really must do it now, it will expire on my birthday later this month!

The girls are always so happy to see their Granddad. He is really good with them, very playful and silly. (He's that way with all kids, really.)

Charlotte is so excited about Thanksgiving... her BIRTHDAY is the week before Thanksgiving! (So is mine, the day before hers... I always tell her she should be "thankful" that she got her own birthday and doesn't have to share with me.) I have no idea what I will do for her birthday party. We usually do parties at home, but I'm not sure if I'm up for it. Unfortunately, with the unpredictable weather in November, it's hard to plan an outdoor party. Still brainstorming about that!

I know that it's important to God that we give thanks always... so I am going to try to incorporate that into our daily life this month (and beyond!) I was very inspired by Dawn at "By Sun and Candlelight" and would love to start our own "seeds of gratitude" tree. We have plenty of branches that have fallen in our yard, that is for sure!

It bears repeating...

Rome wasn't built in a day.

(photo found here)

For me, this bears repeating. I often feel overwhelmed as I think of the big tasks ahead of me, in a way that I didn't when I was younger and life was exciting and so many things were to be started in the future. But now I've started building Rome, or Rome and its suburbs perhaps, and I am realizing what a huge job it is.

I am the mother of two beautiful, bright, spirited girls. Right now I struggle with the daily tasks with them, caring for them in times of sickness (including a recent illness that resulted in our first overnight hospital stay, much to my surprise), educating them, encouraging their sisterly relationship, correcting them in their disobedience and coping with their immaturity (and discerning the difference!), nurturing their unique gifts and talents and bringing out the best of their personalities, helping them understand their place in this big world and the needs of others, and most important, teaching them about the love and sacrifice of their Heavenly Father. My goal is to raise my girls so that they develop into warm-hearted, beautiful young women who are educated, thoughtful, energetic and passionate about life and full of love for their creator and other people. I have a vision for them, of what I long for them to be, but sadly I am not sure that I myself am the kind of woman that I aspire for them to be. 

Motherhood isn't the only area of my life where I feel daunted. I am also a wife, and I want to support my husband in his job as he is the only source of income for our family right now. In the future, I want him to be able to pursue his hobbies and passions, but that day seems far away due to time, money and our current focus on our daughters. I am also a daughter of the king, as my 3 year old's favorite book, "The True Princess" so beautifully describes. But sometimes I act like a beggar at the door, who is not a member of the family. But I am a beggar in many ways, in need of much love and grace and also power that is not my own. Thankfully I have a source, though I don't ask as often as I should.

Other life goals that come along with the status of being an adult in a western nation can feel like heavy burdens. Until I flip them. Financial goals, to live below our means and be able to give generously. (I feel like we are not succeeding like we should be, but thank you Lord for the opportunity to try and to be able to feel like we could live on less when others don't have enough to meet their needs!) To become a healthier and smaller person. I have a lot of weight to lose, several dress sizes to go down. Today my dad told me that I looked good, and the first words out of my mouth "I need to lose more weight." My dad frowned and said, "But you have done great, and it takes time." It's hard for me to hear encouraging words when I know how far I am from my goal, but at least I have support and resources to continue down this path! To pursue my vocational goals, of working to support breastfeeding mothers and also that back-burner dream of writing fiction and being published. (I sort of want to put that last dream in small print, I've done so little to pursue it but it has been a dream, more than a goal, for so many years!) I'm thankful I live in a place where I have options and the freedom to get an education, to write, to freely explore my options. I might fail but at least I can try. 

Sometimes I am so focused on all the things that I have to do, the things that I'm not, the ways that I'm falling short, that I forget to think about what I'm doing and where I am. I know that Rome was not always the amazing city that it was at the height of its history. Once it was a crossroads, then a small village, then a bustling town. All good and reasonable things to be.

I am where I am now, and God has placed me here, and it is a good thing. I just need to enjoy... being. I am blessed, have been blessed, and I know that I will continue to be blessed. 

I'm getting ready for 2010. Are you? :)

I don't know about anybody else, and I might just be chatting to myself out here in cyberspace, but I'm SO READY for 2010! A new decade! Hopefully a better year for our country and many families I know who are struggling! Even though things have improved for our family (having sold our old house is the big one) and we have so many blessings, my heart has been heavy for others dealing with financial challenges, unemployment, illness, watching loved ones struggle or any number of other struggles.

But at the same time, even though it is easy (for me) to feel worried or anxious about the future, I still have to live my life each day. I find that it helps to try to stay grounded and focused on both my faith and also just the tasks in front of me each day. Sometimes life can feel so mundane, but I know that these are the days that I will treasure once they are done, and my girls are older. They are changing so much each day, and I'm very thankful for my time with them and the memories we are creating in our family. So in order to document this, I've decided to start participating in Project 365 on January 1st. The goal will be to take a picture each day to document a year in the life of my family. I'd like to also do a quick note about the day or the picture, and then scrap (using a template of some sort I'm sure) a page for each week. The girls change SO much so quickly, I know it will be great to see the change over this year!

I have started a new blog, which I will link to from this blog, but not vice versa. (I might share the other blog with some people that I don't necessarily want to read this blog.) I still need to figure out some details, like a watermark for the pictures possibly, and whether I'll do themes or participate in any challenges around the net, etc. Anyway, I think the new blog is pretty cute, can't wait to get started!

http://inthethicketproject365.blogspot.com/