in the thicket

Nursing a faithful friend today

A happy, healthy Max with his brother Joshua in 2004.

Our sweet Bengal kitty Max has had chronic kidney failure for a few years. It was first detected in 2009, but since he seemed to be doing fine and we didn't realize the significance, we haven't had him in for a check-up since then. Sadly it has progressed to a very bad point, "Stage 4" as the vet says. It seems that kitties with chronic kidney failure usually live about 2-3 years once it starts. It has caught us completely by surprise, as Max had seemed to be the kitty who did not age, and fairly recently was very active and thriving, even while we were unaware that his kidneys were failing. Even this fall, we thought it was normal aging starting to catch up with him. But sadly we learned yesterday that it was not.

We are "giving him a chance" as the vet says, by treating him for a UTI that he has, and he also had a dose of fluids. He has also had an appetite stimulant, which does not seem to be working. Looking at him, I know his time is short if he doesn't start eating. It breaks my heart, he doesn't understand why he doesn't feel good, and why we can't help him feel better.

From what I have read, kidney failure is not a peaceful passing for kitties, so we will have to make a decision soon. Praying for some sign of improvement and healing, and wisdom about when to let him go. One of those has to happen very soon.

We will be sad to lose this special, loud, exuberant member of our family who is now quiet and still, but we know that our responsibility is to help him have a good quality of life, and sadly we cannot help make it better any more. He's been my kitty since I was in college, and honestly this feels too soon, though he is fourteen years old. His loud yowling meow drove me insane during many a naptime when the girls were little, but also I had just as many smiles on my face watching him play with the girls.

We will be so sad to say good-bye, sweet Max. I am so sorry you are sick, and so sad that we can't make it better.

 

Life is messy

I've been smiling recently as I've been running across more and more "keeping it real" posts from bloggers that I read regularly. I have just a little blog here so it's not that hard for me to be "honest" but I'm sure that some bloggers with "picture-perfect blog lives" do feel the pressure at times.

We're home sick from church this morning, some fevers still lingering (oh dear, I can't even remember the last time we made it to church, gah, that does not make me happy... accept, move on, and pray for good health & motivation!). But we're doing some Christmas crafting. This is a typical level of daily clutter for us, though it does get cleared off in time for dinner at night. I left out my grizzly-looking "razor broke after 15 years but can't commit to a new one" husband, though.

Today we're more than a little bit messy and cranky (anyone else's kids get really cranky as they are getting over being sick?) and less than motivated to whip it all into shape. I'm too lazy to take pictures of my whole house, but not too dissimilar from thi

 

Some new and old blog posts that have encouraged me!

Chatting at the Sky- Embrace the Living

Meg Duerkson- I want you to know

Remodeling this life- Done with love, not perfection

And The Nester's series on 31 Days to a Less Messy Nest... because even though our "nests" do get messy, we don't want to become potential Hoarder's episodes!

I only hate parenting when I always act like an adult

I can't say that I was surprised by the recent article in New York Magazine called "All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting." Parenting is not easy. I have sacrificed a lot, as has my husband. And I know that you have too, if you are a parent. All parents I know are acutely aware of this. We can easily list all the things we have given up for our kids, though we can also probably give you a run-down of some favorite memorable moments of joy along the way.

I don't want to make light of this terrible situation that parents find themselves in. Really, I don't. But I do want to take a moment to remind myself and other parents of two things. First, we were once really annoying, needy kids ourselves, who probably aggravated and caused many gray hairs for our parents. But we grew up. Good news, so will our kids and I'm hoping that mine are still speaking to me when it's all done! Second, it is probably time for adults in my generation to LIGHTEN UP a bit more often, and stop taking this raising of kids so seriously. Really, it is not a competitive sport!

I love it when my kids won't let me act like an adult, when they drag me into their games. Children are really amazing, at least mine are. (I'm sure yours are too!) Last night I received an invitation to a party that was to be held today, from my 6 year old Charlotte. She had made invitations for everyone in the family, and was very excited about it! Today after we got back from the pool (where we had a lot of fun, incidentally) she spent about two hours happily preparing and planning for this party. She and my 4 yo made paper chains to decorate our fireplace, and she planned activities and games. 

After dinner we were "summoned" to our party, and I have to admit that my husband and I were sort of looking at each other and probably thinking so Hmmm we really have to play along with this, don't we? And we did. We just went with it, of course, because what else do you do when you've been invited to a party planned just for you? The hand-crafted party hats went on, we admired the decorations and dutifully participated in "warm up exercises" in anticipation of party games. Then we all really played and had FUN playing a game of "pop the stools with the pillow" ("It's like whack-a-mole Mommy!) and enjoyed a hilarious game of "Pin the tail on Hello Kitty", as we made our way across the family room, blindfolded with a playsilk, to pin the tail (old packing tape) on Hello Kitty (drawn by Charlotte on a cardboard scrap.) It was really fun, we were roaring with laughter!

I feel really amazed sometime to have such sweet and funny daughters, who will one day be funny and amazing women. I don't want to spoil their childhood or damage our future relationship by spending too much time feeling weighed down by my great responsibility of being their mother and counting all that I have given up. Yes, I have done those things and yes I have a great responsibility as their mother. But it's really not supposed to be drudgery to be a parent, I don't think so anyway. They are not asking me to be miserable and overwhelmed, and if I am, then it's more about me than them, really. They want to be loved and cared for, and for sometimes me to join them as a playmate. It's actually pretty darn fun, when I let myself be in the moment and stop obsessing about things.

Charlotte informed me that she plans to have a party at least once a month. And that is just fine with me. :)

How to capture small people who make big messes

It's really amazing how small people make such big messes, isn't it? 

Probably more than anything, the cleaning, the constant, never-ending, house is NEVER clean from top-to-bottom feeling is what is overwhelming to me as a mom. I tell new moms, in all seriousness, to enjoy their house being as clean as it ever will be, when their children are infants. The toddler stage can get a bit crazy, but you can really keep a handle on the number of toys they have, and they still nap, so it is manageable. But, if you add another baby at some point it really does get a bit harder, there is less time and more mess. I was quite certain that once both my girls were older, that it would be easier, because they would not be as "needy."

Ha! What did I know?

They are still needy, but now they can both make messes. Our house is home to a myriad of small messes, craft activities and toys abandoned. I stumble upon a pile of small pieces of construction paper, some pipe cleaners and a half completed flower. (Which matches the one lovingly bestowed on me earlier.) A cat scratching post covered in a playsilk, with a hat stuck on top... obviously a "fashion model", right? The doll house, emptied of furniture, which is all arranged in Ikea storage bins turned sideways and stacked into an "apartment building." (Yeah, not really sure why we wasted money on the doll house, should have just bought the furniture and some boxes!) And of course, the crumbs, banana peels, cereal bar wrappers, abandoned cups of water... wait a minute, I thought we had rules about where they could eat? The upstairs toys that are downstairs, again. Many, many small hairbrushes which belong to dolls and ponies (or maybe a fairy or two.) What appears to be the hand prints of a small herd of critters covers my back storm door, I can practically imagine their small faces peering, trying to get in...

Which leads me to imagination. My secret weapon in coping with the messes of the small people who live with me. "Reminders" aka nagging doesn't work well for me, and we are not a chart kind of family. (Though we do own a chore chart.) I can't keep track of jobs to assign but I do expect everyone to pitch in as they are able to. As an adult, I tend to find strict "systems" overbearing and overwhelming, and I never succeed at them though I can definitely accomplish quite a lot when I want or need to. And I really find that attitude goes a long way. If I can find a way to make my chores (which ARE that, chores!) more enjoyable, by listening to a podcast, audio book, music; calling a friend; having an interesting thought to ponder, then it is just less overwhelming and more doable. And what is even better? Having little helpers (who at 4 & 6 yo really CAN help!) by my side.

I never really ask my kids to help me do anything other than toy pick-up. Sometimes I use the "accountability" method, and will tell me oldest, "OK, I'm going to turn off the computer and see how much I can get done for the next hour! Can you and your sister play by yourselves?" This method has about a 75% success rate for both girls running to help me, and I would say 100% of the time at least one of them wants to "help mommy". I also do the silent routine where I will disappear mysteriously while they are playing (or fighting) and then one of them will have an issue and come and find me, and then want to join in.

Once I have them "plugged in" I have an official policy of "NEVER say NO!" I mean really, if my child is insistent upon scrubbing a toilet, who am I to say no? Because of this, I have tried to develop a stash of child-friendly cleaners. The feather duster was a big hit until Charlotte disassembled it as she searched for the perfect feather to use to make her "quill pen". But they also love microfiber cloths (which work great slightly dampened.) I also have made my own cleaners, use baking soda/vinegar, and also bought some Shaklee Basic H so I could mix up an effective but CHEAP (per bottle) cleaner because when they get to squirting, they use it up fast! I really need to get more rags, though, they use way too many paper towels.

But really, I do try to make cleaning fun for them. We make up stories about what they are doing, and we pretend that we are getting ready for a party (a FANCY tea party, usually!) The Fancy Nancy books have given me a lot of good material to work with. My husband doesn't care for them (he thinks that they give our 6 yo too many "ideas") but I actually like to point out that much of her "fancy" stuff is invented or possibly thrifted. But it really increases the motivation to talk about making our house "extra fancy!" Today, for example, I put a scoop of baking soda and some essential oils (lemon and sweet orange) in a cup, and mixed them together. I covered it with a piece of tinfoil, poked holes in it, and then gave it to my 6 yo to sprinkle on the carpets before I vacuumed. I sold it as "Extra Fancy powder that takes away the bad smells!" and told her that she needed to "find the floor" of her room (clothes in hamper, books on shelves, toys put away) before she could sprinkle it. She oohed and aahed over it, and had great fun sprinkling everywhere. And it probably did some good and didn't smell half bad. I could tell it definitely inspired her, though, she continued to look for little things to clean and do, with a cheerful attitude, without prompting. Because it was play. And of course it ended as an "extra fancy tea party" with REAL TEA and graham crackers, at a table she decorated with a play silk and some other pretty things. She carefully served the tea, then allowed time for reading (I was able to chose my own book) and a craft, planned and explained by her.

It's so easy for me to forget that for small people who make big messes, play is important and all-consuming (the work of childhood) and really work can and often should be "play" for them. It often feels like drudgery to me, but then I just have to take a moment to look at the work I do through the new eyes of my children, and see the play that it can be. Sometimes it can be work to make my work feel like play to me and them, but I think it is worth doing. I love to capture their imaginations and see how fruitful they are, how they surprise me and go beyond what I even expected. Without threats or punishment. With just inspiration and imagination.

I wrote this post as a Ministry of Reality Monday post... the reality is that there is an awful lot of work to be done in a household with small children, so it really is important to drop the perfectionism and when it is possible, have a little fun with it! And capture some small people with imagination while you're at it.

Real struggles, real encouragement...

I'm sitting here, watching some reality television (Big Brother- SHHHHH please don't tell anyone), thinking about the issue of being real. To be honest, this is the first time I've watched it, so it is a bit confusing, since I don't know all the characters, and their back stories, etc. But because it is "reality" TV I can watch knowing that there will be some transparency, back-story filled in, strategic editing, so that I can get hooked into the "real drama" created by sticking a group of exhibitionists into a house filled with cameras. Along with a mole, just in case there isn't enough drama and betrayal as they try to "make it to the end"!

I actually think that everyday life and real people are much more interesting than reality TV. But... in real life, people are so much harder to get to "know" since we don't always share our struggles along with our strengths. I think that we all have ways that we'd like to present ourselves as being. I like to present myself as being a cheerful, helpful person who has good things to say about other people (and has sweet children that you want to be around as well!) Of course, the reality is that while I may truly be those things sometimes, I can obviously be cranky, unhelpful, think and speak poorly of others and sometimes my kids are NOT much fun to be around. And because of a recent experience at a local business, I felt very "outed" and my not-so-nice side, my overwhelmed and focused like a mama-bear on my children's "rights" side came out. It was a very unpleasant experience, but I can say some good came out of it- a good reminder of my own personal weakness and bias and the chance to think through how I could have handled the situation differently. Also, I was willing to share the details of the situation with people that I'm close to, and was able to get feedback from them about what happened and that helped me worked through the discomfort of the situation and learn my lesson and move forward. It is a blessing that I have people that I trust enough to share about a situation where my own behavior wasn't admirable, and to know that they will still love and accept me. The real me. 

I think that one of the hardest places to be real is, unfortunately, in a Christian community. I think there is often the temptation to present an image of having it "all together" at church and with church friends. (I suspect that people even censor or edit their prayer requests!) But I think it's also somewhere that it really "pays off" to be real with other people, if it is truly a community of people who love Christ. I'm pretty much determined to test this out in my current church. If I can't be real about issues or struggles I have, especially within the church context, then I don't want to be there. I want to be somewhere that it's safe to struggle, to need prayer, to need encouragement and support. And to actually be able to receive it.

My current "Let's be real" issue is the struggle that I have with my six year-old, who is let's just say resistant and resentful about being in the entire worship service. Because our church is growing rapidly and has limited room, a decision was made to "move up" six year olds to worship service, instead of allowing them the option of being in children's church. This is probably a topic for another post, but our church (seems) to strongly support families worshiping together, which is something that I appreciate but it's not my own personal strongly-felt conviction. (I would be fine if we went to a church with children's church through 5th grade, as it was at my church growing up.) I look around in the congregation, and I see children of all ages sitting in the service, some participating fairly actively (following along, singing); others tolerating it but still behaving appropriately. Well, I was the one who had the grumpy, resentful child who was really quite furious and disappointed that she couldn't go to "kids' church" anymore because she doesn't understand the service, it is long and boring, the room makes her sleepy and it's just not fair! (To share a few things that she has said along the way.)

Parenting techniques and philosophies abound in terms of how to transform my resentful, recalcitrant child into a content, obedient child who at least tolerates being in service. But in the meanwhile, I realized that I needed support! So I chose to be honest with some moms in the congregation that I trusted, about how my daughter was having a hard time (and I was having a hard time coping with her, too). I feel like that was one of the best things that I could have done... pretty much when I spoke to anyone, I would share how my children were having a tough time adjusting to and participating in the service (both are, but my youngest can still go to Children's Church). Because of this, I have received encouragement, heard stories about their own challenges, have gotten tips, a card of encouragement and people do take the time to check in with me and ask how she's doing. This is really why I'm still going to this church.

At one point we had to pick up Charlotte, physically, and leave the service, and I then found myself in the parking lot, sobbing about the situation, hopeless that it would ever get any better. Torn, because I didn't want to leave the church, but at the same time I do not want my children to hate the church. But, God is good and things are getting better. Charlotte now has (generally) socially acceptable behavior in the service. And now that I'm not trying to manage her behavior on a moment-by-moment basis, I can start to think and pray about what I want for her, really. Of course I'd love her to behave beautifully and "do me proud" but what I REALLY want is for her to love God and to love being there, part of the Christian community of the church. In a way I don't want her to "edit" her behavior or struggles to be more socially acceptable. I want her to be truly transformed, for God's love to touch her and amaze her so that she longs to be there, longs for fellowship with other believers, to hear the Word preached, to participate fully in communal worship. I know that there is a long way to go, but I do have faith that it will happen. And I love how God takes my real struggles and issues, and teaches me through them, and allows me to be encouraged and convicted. Thank you, Lord.

Ministry of Reality Mondays- Martyr for a Mommy? No thanks!

There are two things that I have been struggling with recently, which seem to be in violent opposition to each other. The first is a long-time struggle, my inability to chose to take personal time for myself away from my children or to focus on my own personal interests or desires for any length of time, before returning to whatever care-taking or child-focused task I need to engage in. The second is that my daughters, now 6 and 4 years old, are watching me and in fact are quite enthralled with anything I do that is not related to them. They may, in fact, be my own personal cheer-leading squad in the making.

Yet they "need" me so much and all my energy and focus goes to them, some days leaving me with well, not much to give to anyone else. Including them, on some days that seem to last forever.

Well, what's a mommy to do?

I can see some of the same similarities in my husband, which is probably not a good combination and might explain why some of our weekends don't really go as we desire. He has a really hard time either leaving work early, taking vacation days (let's just say he has enough vacation time that we could plan a cross-country driving trip at this point) or letting me know that he really wants some time to do something for himself. Recently I strongly encouraged him to take two extra days for July 4th so that we could spend some time visiting his family and doing some sight-seeing in the area. He mentioned that his boss had recently chided him, "Don't worry, there is ALWAYS work to do!" She's a mom with older kids who is very familiar with the work-family balance and seems to have a bit less trouble taking time off than my husband does, though she works very very hard from what I hear when she is at work. I think she has a valid point, though. There is ALWAYS "mommying" to be done... or housecleaning... or laundry... or organizing... need I go on? 

And I have to think about what my girls are seeing in me. Yes, they love me dearly (to the point where my four year will walk past, as she did JUST NOW and say, "I love you!" for no particular reason at all.) They love my attention. And I do know how to do things "just so" to manage our particular dynamics. But do I really want them to think that being a mommy means that you have to give up your own personal interests and dreams? I fear that at least my six year old is starting to believe that. She often tells me things like, "Mommy, I want to be an artist when I grow up. I don't want to get married though or have kids. Actually, I will be a veterinarian for my main job and then be an artist for my hobby." I hate that she seems to believe that pursuing her own dreams is incompatible with motherhood- that is NOT what I want to teach her!

My girls do know about my other interests, and my dreams of one day possibly becoming a lactation consultant or working in some other capacity. I've had to make some choices recently which do take me away from my little family more than I have been away from them in the past. They've spent more time with just their dad and also their granddad in the past few months than they ever have before in their life. And really, they had a great time! My youngest still struggles a little bit with separation from me and is very glad to see me when I return, but I can see that she is getting closer to her dad because she is getting more one-on-one time with him.

So whenever I leave my house, even though it still feels strange on some level (partly because of how I interpreted attachment parenting philosophy in the early going, though now I see the need to let my philosophy grow with my children and our family's changing needs), I know it's a good thing. Whether I'm leaving to participate in volunteer work without my girls underfoot, leaving to go sit in a coffee shop for a couple of hours with a good book or heading out to meet a friend for dessert, I know that my time away from my children might be becoming as important as my time with them. That's my new reality. 

If you'd like to see more "Ministry of Reality Monday" posts, check out the Mothering by Grace blog!

*tap tap tap* Anybody there? Coming next Monday...

Well, my blog, it sits here, waiting expectantly. I do love it, I can't give it up, I enjoy the thought of this little personal space on the big web, so to speak. Well good news for my little bloggy here and my many, many readers (wink wink)... coming soon will be a new weekly blog event, for all those moms out there like myself, who don't have time to maintain the illusion of having it all together all the time... "Ministry of Reality Monday."

Here's how one mom (who inspired this all and coined the phrase, but I won't name her because she doesn't have a blog to link to that I know of) described it:

The basic idea of "my"Ministry of Reality Ministry...is being able to be REAL about life. Homes are not always (not *usually* even!) spotless, children are not always dressed adorably, children do not always "behave," marriage is hard, and there aren't simple answers to hard questions. Being honest about all of this makes it easier (in my opinion) to live life... because we can ASK for help about problems we aren't covering up. We can be encouraged by others' stories of surviving similar seasons and trials.

We are still working out the details, and hope to have a hostess and a handy link thing and maybe even some blog buttons or such... but more important is that we hope it is a time of real sharing and encouragement for other moms. I don't think any of us are quite sure where we're going with this, and for some (raising hand) the thought of sharing about our real life in a way that is not edited to reflect only a nice tidy corner of our life or living room can be a bit daunting.  But I am looking forward to it!

Anyway, I hope this will be coming soon and I really look forward to reading what the MbG ladies come up with! :)