in the thicket

Two very different personalities

One of the hardest things for me to accept as a parent is that my children are as they are right now, not as I wish them to be. I need to remember how hard it is for *me* to learn this lesson even as I’m trying to teach my children and encourage them to make better choices or more mature choices… they can, but they are limited by where they are developmentally and the particular aspects of their personality. But I am learning how I can push and encourage, and when to back down or when to let them struggle a bit and come through OK.

An example is today. We went to go see “How to Train your Dragon” in 3-D, which is a new experience for them. After talking with several parents, I felt that the movie would not be too intense for them, overall. My biggest concern was Gwendolyn (VERY active, very wiggly) sitting through the whole movie, but I hoped that the dragons (she likes them) and 3-D would help engage her more. I completely forgot that Charlotte struggles with sensory issues and will have an initial strong “flee” response when she is overwhelmed. So in the theater when the previews started she got upset and started crying because it was too loud. I encouraged her that she would get used to it, and she covered her ears and huddled next to me.

I hadn’t thought through the 3-D mostly because I haven’t seen a 3-D movie myself. Gwen happily put on her glasses and started watching, with no problem. Charlotte put them on and took them off because she said it was weird. Then she said she didn’t want to be watching the movie and she wanted to go home. (All the way home… we’re visiting grandparents now.) But I knew that she had to go through her initial “adjustment” freak-out period. She cried. She whimpered. She held onto my arm. Then after about 15 minutes I peeked at her, and she had her glasses on, and was watching the movie. From that point on, she was totally fine.

Gwen, on the other hand, was OK at first, and then got her usual case of the wiggles. I think at just-turned 4 years old she’s just not quite ready for movies. I need to accept that she will probably stand up and wiggle around. (She danced through much of “The Princess and the Frog.”) I think a lot of it is the theater being dark, she needs more sensory stimulation, because the darkness makes her sleepy and she needs to wake up more. I will continue to take her to movies, but chose times when it won’t be crowded, when there would be other kids, and maybe have her on the end so she could trot up and down the stairs a bit if she needed too- probably better than patting people on their heads in front of her like she did inadvertently today! (The person was very nice about it, thankfully!)

Charlotte’s initial reaction was a bit surprising to me simply because in some ways she has moved past some of those issues, but I was proud of her that she stuck it out and didn’t get TOO disruptive when she was upset and was able to enjoy the movies. I have to admit I dream of just being able to do something like go to a movie without a hassle or worrying about a child getting upset or disruptive… but at least we made it through and I think all enjoyed the movie and I hope didn’t ruin anyone else’s experience.

I have kids who have rather extreme responses to things, and at times I wonder am I too easy on them or to harsh with them, and whether I am accepting of their immaturity or should expect more from them. I think this is a pretty normal struggle, though. I really appreciate Sally Clarkson’s writing and ministry, and a book that she recommends is “Hints on Child Training” by Henry Clay Trumball. I’ve read it before, but I’m re-reading it. The first chapter talks about “training from birth” which does get my hackles up a bit, but he goes on to make some points which I think does have some wisdom. I’m not sure that I’ll agree with everything I read, but I am willing to thoughtfully read the book to see what insights I can get as I try to sort out how to bring out the best in my kids without expecting them to be someone they are not (idealized children who always act in a way that reflects positively on me, for example.)

Coping with disappointment

Do you remember any of the disappointments that you experienced in childhood? I know we all had them, times when some promised treat never materialized, a parent failed to follow-through on a promise, something important to you but not so important to others was put aside or forgotten...

As a parent, I try not to promise too much, to guard against too much anticipation from my "I can't WAIT until Christmas it is too long!" daughter. But sometimes she knows of events ahead of time, such as when an invitation arrives for her to a little friend's "Monster Truck Birthday Party." I dutifully note it on my calendar, and do plan to take her...

But then I get busy and forget to look at my calendar... funny how that happens, right? And plan a family gathering for family members who are shortly moving far, far away, that is where my focus is. The day goes by in a blur, another family friend arrives and invites 5 year old Charlotte for a sleep-over and Charlotte is elated and immediately packing, ready to rush home with her for a night of fun and movies that Mommy might not let her see (which I know will largely be ignored because she will be too busy playing and chatting). In the rush and excitement, the Monster Truck party is forgotten...

Until I remember the next day. "Oh NO!" I exclaim to my husband, my stomach turning over, because I know how very, very disappointed she will be. She LOVES parties, and it was for a favorite friend she doesn't see often. I fret, not sure whether to break the news as soon as I can or keep silent, waiting for it to occur to her to ask me about it, since though sometimes her sense of time is accurate other times she seems to float along in her own world unaware of Important Days until reminded by someone. I mentally braced myself against what I anticipated would be tidal wave of disappointment when she remembered... because I too remember missing the party of my best friend when I was her age. Driving with my parents somewhere, an aimless drive to me because I didn't know where we were going, a soft exclamation by my mother and muttered comment to my father, which I of course heard, "Oh no, Beth was supposed to go to Amy's birthday party this afternoon!" The tears and begging on my part, couldn't I just go late, just to say hi! The calm explanations from my parents, the lingering sadness and disappointment on my part... oh, I knew just how Charlotte would feel.

Today was the day that she remembered. "Mommy, did we miss the Monster Truck party?" My explanation, which immediately seemed to anger her. "You shouldn't have family parties when I have my friend's birthday parties! I didn't want to be at that party anyway!" Tears and upset give way to insults, "I wish you weren't my parents!" implying other parents would not have forgotten the much anticipated Monster Truck party. I quickly drew a line... "It's OK to be mad and sad that you missed the party... I feel sad too! But it's not OK to insult your family and say mean things about us just because we forgot. I'm very sorry, sweetie..."

Amazingly, the tidal wave of disappointment was smaller than I expected. Obviously upset, she stopped her angry words and thought for a while. "How about we have a birthday party playdate with him? Maybe with cupcakes?" It would be a good idea to do a playdate... I could pick up some grocery store cupcakes, I thought.

"Maybe I'll talk to his mommy about it..." No promises, though I'm aware that to her that is probably as good as a yes.

I decided that a special mommy-daughter outing would be fun. Not to necessarily make up for the missed party, but sometimes I feel that I don't get to spend enough time just with Charlotte. She's fun to take places, generally cooperative and always chatty. I propose a breakfast at Starbucks and heading to the local Farmer's Market together. Her eyes light up, and I'm rewarded with a big hug.

All is not forgotten, but I know that she's coping with her disappointment... it's Ok to feel sad, and I know that she can handle it. A hard life lesson but I know that she will be better for it. And I have a feeling that she might start keeping her own social calendar soon, too, help out her absent-minded mama!

LM Montgomery on birth, scheduling/cry it out and nursing...1912-1913

I've been re-reading (for the 3rd time, I believe!) the fascinating journals of L.M. Montgomery. In particular, I've been reading Volume 2 (1910-1921), during which time her grandmother passed away and she married her husband and became a mother. I first read her journals as a newlywed myself- I actually bought them while on my honeymoon on PEI!

A friend of mine, TulipGirl, once commented that she found some of Montgomery's books encouraging to read as a mother. I would tend to agree! It's fascinating to read Montgomery's journal describing her views and experiences with three "hot-button"mothering issues, birth, scheduling/cry-it-out and breastfeeding. As a fairly well-educated and progressive woman, I'm sure that she was influenced in large degree by the emerging "scientific" literature on birth and child care. At the same time, she writes beautifuly of those mothering instincts that sometimes fly contrary to what we are told we should or should not do by "experts."

As someone who had a manageable birth, pain-wise, with my second child because I chose waterbirth, I found this passage describing her first son's birth to be fascinating. I'm wondering how similar what she read is to the Hypnobabies course (which I haven't seen) or Grantly Dick-Read's work.

Some rather long quotes here...

"I have heard much of the agony of the birth chamber. That such agony is the rule rather than the exception generations of suffering women have testified since the dawn of time. But I know no more of it then I did before my child's birth. From first to last I had no severe pain. I have suffered more many a night with tooth-ache. If I knew I was to have another baby tomorrow it would not worry me in the least, as far as the ordeal itself goes. I felt nothing but cramp-like aches in the back and had it not been for the dreadful stifling heat and several hard and exhaustive attacks of vomiting I would not have minded it much at all. Dr. Bascom said he could not understand it. He said it was perfectly marvellous, in a woman of my age, at a first birth, and with a child having such a large firm head.

Ever since I knew I was to have a child I persistently took, every day, a set of exercises recommended in a medical book for pregnant women. These exercises were said to affect all the muscles used in partuition, making them flexible and elastic. Perhaps it was because of this I suffered so little. Personally, I have another opinion but I do not tell it to all and sundry.

A few years ago I read Hudson's 'Law of Psychic Phenomena'. Ever since I have had a strong belief in the power which the subconscious mind can exert over physical functions. Every night, as I was dropping off to sleep, and frequently through the day I repeated over and over the command to my subconscious mind 'Make my child strong and healthy in mind and body and make his birth safe and painless for me'.

Well, his birth was safe and almost painless fo rme and whatever he may develop into he is certainly strong and healthy now. I believe it was the 'psychic suggestion' which produced my 'easy time'. but it may have been the exercises- or both- or neither. It is one of the things that can't be proved, believe what we will."

(Vol. 2, pp 100-101)

Montogmery on her own experience with scheduling her baby, allowing him to cry, or not...

"...I cuddled him in my arms and tucked him away in his basket and cosied the blankets and down puff about him. It is so lovely to make him warm and comfortable and happy. The very hardest thing I have to do is sometimes to steel my heart against him when he should be asleep. I just have to hold on to myself to keep from rushing to him. and I sit there in misery and harrow my soul by thinking, 'What--if--he were to--if anything should happen to him ever--I would be haunted to my death by the agonizing thought that I had let him cry his poor wee heart out without consoling him.' And I see myself lying alone at night thinking of the little creature far away from me in his grave and his little basket empty--and the horror is often so great that I fly to him, rules and regulations to the contrary not withstanding, and catch him up and cuddle him against my breast, with his darling head nestled on my shoulder. And then the sweet baby smiles and the blue eyes laughing through the tears!"

(p.111)

Finally on nursing and weaning, and this makes me thankful for today's nursing bras and fashion styles! (She weaned him entirely by 10-11 months, if my calculations are correct...)

"But for me another of the little tragedies of motherhood took place today. I gave my little son his first meal of milk-- the beginning of his weaning. I felt it bitterly. From his birth he has been wholly dependent on me. He has drawn all the sustenance his darling wee body demanded from me--he has been mine, wholly mine. But henceforth this is not to be so. He is beginning to owe his nourishment to an outside source and must continue to do so more and more. In one way it will be, I suppose, a relief. Certainly there are some aspects in which nursing is a nuisance, especially when one lives in an epoch of fashion which ordains dresses hooked in the back. But I hate to give it up. I am so thankful I have been able to nurse my baby and I cannot understand how any mother can refuse to do so if she is able. Yes, today it gave me a pang when I gave my wee man his cup of milk."

(p.117)