in the thicket

Some birthday thoughts... for myself, mostly!

So, today is my birthday! I'm thirty-five today. Tomorrow is my oldest daughter's birthday, she will be eight! I always tell her she should be thankful that she has her own birthday, since they wanted to induce me such that she would have been born on *my* birthday. But being the ever-so-thoughtful person I am, I held out... then gave in and allowed them to START inducing me on my birthday, so that my in-laws could make it home in time to be with the rest of the family on Thanksgiving. It's always been one of those funny things to me... how when you have a child, suddenly your own birthday is so much less important. Yeah, mine is just the one before the really important birthday, which is sort of a birthday for me as well, since it's the day I got to become a hands-on mommy instead of an in-utero mommy. So, the birth of a mother.

I think we all tend to have those dates or birthdays or moments when you do stop and take stock. I think this might be my moment. It's been a pretty interesting 35 years for me (it's always good when someone thinks their own life is interesting, right?) and a pretty intense eight years of motherhood as well. So much of who I am is defined by being a mother. It's always fun to think of myself in my different stages- I definitely have my favorite! A child in a troubled family (alcoholism, suicide, remarriage, bad marriage, divorce, abundance and poverty, emotional abuse were all at play in my family growing up). A teen trying to separate and individuate, somewhat unsuccessfuly, in high school. In college, finally gaining independence and confidence and finding my niche (this was one of of my favorite stages!) Then grad school, which the transition to adulthood and then marriage. And when I should have been wrapping that up and settling into an academic career, a new little person came into my life, and I decided to focus on being a mom instead. New adventures, new titles, and lots of "it's not about me, it's about them" came into focus.

I love my life. I really don't have regrets, other than wasting time, money and energy on things that I shouldn't have. I'm really glad to be where I am in life right now. Yes, there are moments of being frustrated and overwhelmed, but really I'm good. And thankful. And blessed.

But, I think it's good to sort of stop here for a minute, and think about things. Sort of take a deep breath. My children are not so little right now, but they are still needy, and will be for a while. And try to look ahead to my next milestones... one year out, five years out. What will it be like when I'm 40? I know my family will still be my primary focus- I'll be celebrating my daughter's 13th birthday when I'm 40! I really hope that I will be someone who is up for the task of parenting a teen daughter, well, in this time and place. And I hope that I find joy and satisfaction in my life a year and five years from now.

I'm trying to shape my thoughts about what my priorities are, so that I can be the woman that I want and hope to be down the road. When I think of my future self, I hope that I am more of who God wants me to be, since I know He is at work, transforming me. I'm so easily distracted, by the unimportant (which is not the same as mundane, to me) that I had to come up with some simple words that capture how I want to be in five years.

Connected... I hope that I continue to be strongly connected to my husband, children, family, and friends. I hope that I can continue to build friendships and deepen relationships. I also am thinking of connections to church and volunteer organizations that I am part of.

Content... I think it's very natural when looking forward to be thinking of material things, accomplishments, home environment, etc. I hope that I am content, not because I will have more, but because I will have the right attitude about what I have. And of course, I hope I am content with less, do more with less, and all those other lovely simple living philosophies.

Confident... Here I'm thinking of a confidence in God, in knowing that I belong to Him, that he has placed me here for a reason. The kind of confidence that I'm thinking of doesn't come from self-help books, but will come out of relationship with the Lord and others that he places in my life. And confidence knowing that if things don't go as I plan or hope or dream (and they may very well not!) that he's there with me.

What I don't want to be... a mindless consumer! What I do want to be- a doer! A creative, active person. I want to be mindful about my use of technology (I have to admit I've played a few too many games on my new smartphone!), media and getting sucked up in the obtainment of stuff (aka be content.)

As a mother of course I always have plenty to do, but I need to be thoughtful and also I do need to have a better handle on the big picture. I can continue to be pretty much at my children's beck and call, and find myself exhausted in five years. Or I can be largely available to my children, but also carve out some time for me to do things that are good for me and will help me be a better mother. I need to get better at that balance, and maybe look for women in my life who model this well. (I don't want to stop being an attentive mom, but I am really looking forward to doing things that are important to me personally, and I need to model that for my girls as well.)

This has been a fun mental exercise. I'm always just thankful to be here, mindful of my rather privileged existence (to have the ability to be home with my kids, and not want for food or shelter, and be with people I love and care about.) As the daughter of a mother who committed suicide, I think that somehow that sharpens my awareness and thankfulness for where I am today. I wish that my mother was here to celebrate my birthday with me, but sadly she is not. Still, I am thankful that she was my mother, and that I'm here today.

Putting my chef hat back on

I really hate that when I get "too busy" that cooking good food is one of the first things that I drop doing. The lure of "easy food" is often too tempting, even though I don't really "believe" in eating that way. Buying and preparing the best-quality food that I can afford is one of my "ideals" yet it is one of the hardest for me to be consistent with.

I have to remind myself that good food doesn't have to be fancy or hard. I am sure that I make it much harder than it really is! At times I get in a wonderful routine of planning, shopping and cooking and though it is a lot of "work" it is just what I do. Then something will happen- travel, a prolonged illness of a family member (for example this spring I dealt with my youngest having pneumonia), or just putting too much stuff on my calendar. Then I call on my husband to "just pick something up" and also allow some more convenience foods to appear on the menu when I do cook. I always experience the consequences of this- feeling blah, getting tired of eating the same kind of food (because take-out food/fast food in our budget is actually all rather similar after a while), a sense of guilt about both spending money on food away from home and all the food that I wasted or is sitting unused in my freezer.

I'm trying to come out of a LONG season (really since Easter) of not eating that well or cooking that well. Way too much fast food (usually Wendy's, Chick-fil-a, Char-grille, a sandwich shop, pizza, chinese or sometimes Panera or similar) has been consumed. They are OK for a *very* occasional treat, but definitely not food to live on! (And really, I could do without eating at any of them again... though I know life being what it is, I will eat there sometimes.) They are all really incompatible with my dietary goals and what I like my family to be eating. And obviously not good for the budget- $10-20 for our family. I can always cook better quality food with leftovers for less than that. Really my husband and I have eaten more bad food than my girls- they are content with pretty simple foods that I can easily cook at home, but my husband in particular gets "tired" of the kind of food my girls eat.

Sometimes I feel like I need to be a magician to cook for my family, though I know it's not true. I'm trying to reduce grains in my diet, and eat more fruit/veg, protein and good fats (no industrial oils, which is why fast food/take-out is really a big no-no for me.) However my girls do fine with grains and seem to prefer them, though they do love chicken and beef and each have an assortment of fruits/veggies that they happily eat. (Yay!) I would like my husband to eat more like me, and he's agreed to make a commitment to cut out his nightly snacking on chips (baked lays usually) or chex mix, for a month, to see how he does. I'm OK with my girls continuing to eat grains (though I try to add butter or cheese or pesto or chicken broth to them when I can, to help with blood sugar and increase nutrition) but I do need to consistently provide more good protein/fruit/veg for them... too often the quick meals I make for them are grain-based with maybe a side of fruit. So I'd like to make it more like other good stuff + side of grain. So, it is challenging to think about the different nutritional needs of my family plus the taste preferences (husband won't eat tomatoes or potatoes, one daughter won't eat crunchy vegetables, one won't eat broccoli, nobody likes peas or cooked greens other than me.)

And sometimes when I go back to actually buying food it is easy to cringe at prices. An organic pastured chicken for $4.50 a lb- yikes! But a meal at Wendy's costs $15-20 and is really almost like throwing money away! I can take a $12-16 chicken (*gulp*) and roast it and make a meal out of that, have some meat leftover for something else, and then make stock for other uses... at least I believe that I can, having never been able to bring myself to buy a $16 chicken. (I'm thinking about it, though!) I usually go for a better-quality chicken (like $8-10) but I would love to buy the best quality I can. I really need to think about how much money we've wasted on eating out and use that to help me get things in perspective.

Another thing that is helping me get my chef hat back on is just thinking about how it feels to cook food. I love cutting up vegetables and fruit. I was so inspired by a beautiful fruit salad I had this week at a church function... a lovely variety of fruits cut into really tiny pieces to match the size of the blueberries and champagne grapes. I did not enjoy any of the junky food I've eaten recently as much as I enjoyed a scoop of that fruit salad. I also love sauteing vegetables, eating food that my husband has grilled, and enjoying fresh fruits and salads. The smells, tastes, and textures are so important. And those things are often blunted or just strange in mass-produced food.

So, here's to putting my chef's hat back on. I hope that I can both keep in mind that cooking is important for me and my family, the best choice for our budget and our health, and also can be fun. I also love to get inspiration from different websites out there, here are a few of my favorites that have inspired me recently!

Joyful Abode

The Pioneer Woman

The Healthy Home Economist

In Search of Lost Time

Kitchen Stewardship

I'd love to hear what inspires you to cook and keep cooking, even when it seems like a chore or just one more thing to do! :)

It bears repeating...

Rome wasn't built in a day.

(photo found here)

For me, this bears repeating. I often feel overwhelmed as I think of the big tasks ahead of me, in a way that I didn't when I was younger and life was exciting and so many things were to be started in the future. But now I've started building Rome, or Rome and its suburbs perhaps, and I am realizing what a huge job it is.

I am the mother of two beautiful, bright, spirited girls. Right now I struggle with the daily tasks with them, caring for them in times of sickness (including a recent illness that resulted in our first overnight hospital stay, much to my surprise), educating them, encouraging their sisterly relationship, correcting them in their disobedience and coping with their immaturity (and discerning the difference!), nurturing their unique gifts and talents and bringing out the best of their personalities, helping them understand their place in this big world and the needs of others, and most important, teaching them about the love and sacrifice of their Heavenly Father. My goal is to raise my girls so that they develop into warm-hearted, beautiful young women who are educated, thoughtful, energetic and passionate about life and full of love for their creator and other people. I have a vision for them, of what I long for them to be, but sadly I am not sure that I myself am the kind of woman that I aspire for them to be. 

Motherhood isn't the only area of my life where I feel daunted. I am also a wife, and I want to support my husband in his job as he is the only source of income for our family right now. In the future, I want him to be able to pursue his hobbies and passions, but that day seems far away due to time, money and our current focus on our daughters. I am also a daughter of the king, as my 3 year old's favorite book, "The True Princess" so beautifully describes. But sometimes I act like a beggar at the door, who is not a member of the family. But I am a beggar in many ways, in need of much love and grace and also power that is not my own. Thankfully I have a source, though I don't ask as often as I should.

Other life goals that come along with the status of being an adult in a western nation can feel like heavy burdens. Until I flip them. Financial goals, to live below our means and be able to give generously. (I feel like we are not succeeding like we should be, but thank you Lord for the opportunity to try and to be able to feel like we could live on less when others don't have enough to meet their needs!) To become a healthier and smaller person. I have a lot of weight to lose, several dress sizes to go down. Today my dad told me that I looked good, and the first words out of my mouth "I need to lose more weight." My dad frowned and said, "But you have done great, and it takes time." It's hard for me to hear encouraging words when I know how far I am from my goal, but at least I have support and resources to continue down this path! To pursue my vocational goals, of working to support breastfeeding mothers and also that back-burner dream of writing fiction and being published. (I sort of want to put that last dream in small print, I've done so little to pursue it but it has been a dream, more than a goal, for so many years!) I'm thankful I live in a place where I have options and the freedom to get an education, to write, to freely explore my options. I might fail but at least I can try. 

Sometimes I am so focused on all the things that I have to do, the things that I'm not, the ways that I'm falling short, that I forget to think about what I'm doing and where I am. I know that Rome was not always the amazing city that it was at the height of its history. Once it was a crossroads, then a small village, then a bustling town. All good and reasonable things to be.

I am where I am now, and God has placed me here, and it is a good thing. I just need to enjoy... being. I am blessed, have been blessed, and I know that I will continue to be blessed. 

The most precious things

Today wasn't a really outwardly "successful" day for us. There was the incident with a renegade, saucy, wallet-stealing 3 year old on the loose at the ice skating rink. Sisterly love wasn't all that apparent during playtime either before or after ice skating. A very tired mommy pretty much let the girls entertain themselves, and the general excitement of watching tree stumps get ground-up and a quick visit from granddad took the place of "structured" learning. Thankfully a free performance of "Rumpelstiltskin" filled up an hour or so of the late afternoon and did provide a lot of laughs and a chance to see friends. But too many grumpy and tired moments, and there was a messy house and NO dinner when daddy came home...

But somehow we made it through the evening. We all pitched in to pick up the worst of the mess, kids got fed, husband fended for himself, and I retreated upstairs to work on my Bible study lesson. I had some peace while the girls enjoyed some daddy story time. I was disturbed at one point by a scratching at the door, which I first thought was the cat but the chubby fingers poking underneath were a clue that a certain 3 year old was missing me. 

Our bedtime routines seem to be set in stone until they don't work, and then we bend a little. We have been bending them more to accommodate a certain 6 year old who is having a hard time settling down to sleep and likes to look at books in the dark and have lots of "Daddy check on me" moments. The youngest usually falls asleep best with my help. But tonight the oldest one needed me, and the youngest accepted daddy cuddles to fall asleep.

I sat on the bed with my 6 year old, who requested I read her a couple of her favorite familiar "Babybug" magazines. "Mommy is Kim a girl or a boy? Why does she have short hair?" I have so often read these books to her, memories go along with the reading. The time I read a Babybug and sobbed because I wasn't as cheerful as the mommy in the story. The time I let her hold a Babybug in the bookstore and then I had to buy it because she chewed the corner off. The stories are so easy and familiar, she can read them too, but it is better if I read them.

Then she wants to look at her purple scrapbook, made especially for her for her fourth birthday by her Aunt Shanna. She can read a lot of the journaling in that now, too. "This page says 'Welcome Gwen'!" We talk about how she used to be a baby too. And when she wore diapers. And when she stopped. She says she remembers her third Christmas, the one before we moved here. The pictures are of our house, but with Granddaddy's furniture. She remembers the state fair, when Uncle Rick and Aunt Shanna went with us. "We are glad you live near us now, so we can see you a lot more," she reads. "But now she lives over the ocean!" "Yes, but I know you are still special to them." We plot about making cards and sending a package... "We should probably send more hot chocolate, I'm sure they are all out by now."

Some days seem dismal and ugly until I stop and think about the little precious stones I can dig out of the muck. We "had our moments" today, you could say... and I am thankful for that.

Word for the year: Nourish

I am not making official New Year's resolutions, though I am refocusing on some areas of my life, and getting back on track with those. I'm aware from some homeschooling and scrapbooking folks that some people like to chose a word to focus on or be inspired by for the year. (Like I said, I don't know all the details, but it seems like a neat concept to me!)

One word that is constantly on my mind anyway, in part because of my interest in following a "Nourishing Traditions" style of eating is the word "Nourish". It's such a great word, and one that I feel is very relevant to my life as a wife, mother, friend and of course, child of God...

From dictionary.com:

nour⋅ish

 –verb (used with object)

1.	to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth.

2.	to cherish, foster, keep alive, etc.: He had long nourished the dream of living abroad.

3.	to strengthen, build up, or promote: to nourish discontent among the workers; to nourish the arts in one's community.

So this year, I'm going to prayerfully try to nourish myself and my family... spiritually (participation in church, prayer, Bible study, getting to know people from our church), emotionally (spending time encouraging my husband and children, just spending positive time with them), physically (chose ways to be active in my home, cleaning, gardening, exercising, and encourage my family to do so as well) and of course nourish with food. If there was anything that I learned in 2009, it was that it really does matter what I eat... when I eat nourishing food, I reap benefits throughout all areas of my life. But at the same time, I need to fight my tendency to excessively focus on one area of my life, and keep sustaining and strengthening other relationships and aspects of my life.

I'm following a somewhat unconventional path with food for myself in particular, with some modifications to suit my family's appetites and particular needs/restrictions. I might blog about that some over the next few months. There are food bloggers who are very confident in their opinions, and I don't want to be them, really. I'm just looking to record my own experience and what is working for me, not to influence others, mostly so I can look back and have those "aha!" moments. Maybe with time I'll gain the confidence to start participating in different "blogging events" that the traditional foods blogging community hosts, but for now I'm happy with my obscurity. :)