in the thicket

Coping with disappointment

Do you remember any of the disappointments that you experienced in childhood? I know we all had them, times when some promised treat never materialized, a parent failed to follow-through on a promise, something important to you but not so important to others was put aside or forgotten...

As a parent, I try not to promise too much, to guard against too much anticipation from my "I can't WAIT until Christmas it is too long!" daughter. But sometimes she knows of events ahead of time, such as when an invitation arrives for her to a little friend's "Monster Truck Birthday Party." I dutifully note it on my calendar, and do plan to take her...

But then I get busy and forget to look at my calendar... funny how that happens, right? And plan a family gathering for family members who are shortly moving far, far away, that is where my focus is. The day goes by in a blur, another family friend arrives and invites 5 year old Charlotte for a sleep-over and Charlotte is elated and immediately packing, ready to rush home with her for a night of fun and movies that Mommy might not let her see (which I know will largely be ignored because she will be too busy playing and chatting). In the rush and excitement, the Monster Truck party is forgotten...

Until I remember the next day. "Oh NO!" I exclaim to my husband, my stomach turning over, because I know how very, very disappointed she will be. She LOVES parties, and it was for a favorite friend she doesn't see often. I fret, not sure whether to break the news as soon as I can or keep silent, waiting for it to occur to her to ask me about it, since though sometimes her sense of time is accurate other times she seems to float along in her own world unaware of Important Days until reminded by someone. I mentally braced myself against what I anticipated would be tidal wave of disappointment when she remembered... because I too remember missing the party of my best friend when I was her age. Driving with my parents somewhere, an aimless drive to me because I didn't know where we were going, a soft exclamation by my mother and muttered comment to my father, which I of course heard, "Oh no, Beth was supposed to go to Amy's birthday party this afternoon!" The tears and begging on my part, couldn't I just go late, just to say hi! The calm explanations from my parents, the lingering sadness and disappointment on my part... oh, I knew just how Charlotte would feel.

Today was the day that she remembered. "Mommy, did we miss the Monster Truck party?" My explanation, which immediately seemed to anger her. "You shouldn't have family parties when I have my friend's birthday parties! I didn't want to be at that party anyway!" Tears and upset give way to insults, "I wish you weren't my parents!" implying other parents would not have forgotten the much anticipated Monster Truck party. I quickly drew a line... "It's OK to be mad and sad that you missed the party... I feel sad too! But it's not OK to insult your family and say mean things about us just because we forgot. I'm very sorry, sweetie..."

Amazingly, the tidal wave of disappointment was smaller than I expected. Obviously upset, she stopped her angry words and thought for a while. "How about we have a birthday party playdate with him? Maybe with cupcakes?" It would be a good idea to do a playdate... I could pick up some grocery store cupcakes, I thought.

"Maybe I'll talk to his mommy about it..." No promises, though I'm aware that to her that is probably as good as a yes.

I decided that a special mommy-daughter outing would be fun. Not to necessarily make up for the missed party, but sometimes I feel that I don't get to spend enough time just with Charlotte. She's fun to take places, generally cooperative and always chatty. I propose a breakfast at Starbucks and heading to the local Farmer's Market together. Her eyes light up, and I'm rewarded with a big hug.

All is not forgotten, but I know that she's coping with her disappointment... it's Ok to feel sad, and I know that she can handle it. A hard life lesson but I know that she will be better for it. And I have a feeling that she might start keeping her own social calendar soon, too, help out her absent-minded mama!

Guess the date! Childrearing advice...

I'm curious if anyone can guess the publication date of this lovely tidbit of childrearing advice...

"At the present time, when all branches of educational work are being advanced and improved, one department seems to have been quite forgotten, and this is the education and preparation of the young woman for motherhood. Maternity in these days is often anticipated with dread instead of with the pleasure which should accompany the thought, and this is not surprising when one realizes the ignorance of the average young mother as to the proper means of caring for her baby. The fact that nervous disases are on the increase is true, and why?  The chief cause is that the word moderation seems to be growing obsolete. This is especial true as regards the care and training of infants. It is the infant which makes the child, and the child the man.  It is very unusual that a child is not born healthy.   He is born without habits, good or bad-- simply sent into this world innocent and helplesss, his very life dependent upon others-- and it is the parent whose pleasure it should be to guide this little life from its very first dawn to one of contentment, health, and happiness.  There is no reason why the young mother with one or several small children should succumb to her cares, become worn out, and deny herself all the pleasures which make life worth living.  A mother owes a duty to herself and to her offspring, and this duty is to start from the very beginning with the infant's training.  She should of her own knowledge know what is best for the baby.  She should be the one who can direct the untutored maid, or, if she has a trained and experienced nurse, be independent even of that valuable person.  It is not right that a mother should give her infant over to teh care of any nurse, no matter how good she may be, and allow that person to undertake the entire training and guiding of this most important part of life.  A right start in life means everything in the development of a healthy, wholesome, happy life later. With the baby use moderation. Never go to extremes in anything. Begin by being systematic and punctual. Have a time and place for everything, and see that these rules are adhered to. The chief things to be considered as absolutely essential to the well-being of the baby are exercise, air, food, cleanliness, sleep, and clothing.

One of the first acts on the part of the doctor after a child is born into the world is to administer a smart spanking to him-- for the reason that in order to live it is necessary for the child to breathe. It is absolutely essential that the little lungs should be filled wiht aire and become expanded to the utmost.  If the spanking does not have the desired effect, more effective measures are resorted to, such as plunging into alternate hot and cold baths, artificial respiration, etc. But one thing is certain-- if the baby is to live he must cry, as it is only through a good cry that the lungs are expanded as they should be.  When this is so necessary to life, it is not only suelfish but wrong on the part of any parent to object to hearing the baby cry. It is only too often that the mother, in not wanting her child to cry, is simply considering her own nerves, humoring herself and wilfully spoiling the child. Bad-tempered, stubborn, self-willed and even delicate children are the result of this over-indulgence in infancy.  The unfairness of this lack of training is shown later when punishment, corporeal and otherwise, is resorted to to subdue the strong will and naughtiness of the older child. He is not ot blame for what you have made him, and under these circumstances it is wrong ot punish him. It is much easier to make a right start than to wait awhile and then try to correct faults which have already taken deep root.  This is valuable time lost.  It is not pleasant for you, and is unjust to the child.

We will first, then consider the cry of an infant.  Let the mother not hush his cries by walking or rocking him; this is a very bad habit.  Insead of quieting, on the contrary it should be a mother's duty to insist that her baby indulges in a certain amount of good healthy crying each day. A whining, fretful cry is not a beneficial one. It must be a good, strong, hearty cry; one during which the baby draws in a deep breath and holds it for a few seconds, thus expanding the little lungs to their fullest extent. It is this which strengthens and thoughens the lung tissue.  A child with lungs thus made strong and healthy does not catch cold easily."

Then more and more discussion of the cries of the baby, with the admonition to be moderate, and to let the baby cry it out if it's fretful and whining, and for goodness sake, don't hold the baby too much, the less they are handled, the better!

It really makes almost the worst parenting books today seem, well, moderate! Any guesses as to when this little gem was published???