in the thicket

Multiplied...

This past week, I read the beautiful story, "Miss Rumphius" by Barbara Cooney, with my girls. Miss Rumphius is known as the "Lupine Lady" since she walked across Maine sowing five bushels of lupine seeds in an effort to keep her promise to her grandfather to "do something to make the world more beautiful."

(Lupines in Main, image found here)

I hate how ugliness and sin (including my own) can spread throughout the world, but I'm encouraged by how God also designed beautiful things to spread easily and naturally. Miss Rumphius first discovered that the lupines were spreading after a season of illness when she was bedridden. She had planted them in her garden, but they spread beyond. Inspired, she then went across the land, spreading the seeds which then spread even further. She threw the seeds everywhere, and just trusted that they would bloom and spread. At first everyone thought she was crazy.

Sometimes it doesn't feel real that God's redeeming love can change both individuals like me and families like mine and communities... from families, to neighborhoods, villages and churches. But through Jesus, it can and will. This is the power of the gospel, and His will for us.

May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.

                                                                                                                2 Peter 1:2

Some birthday thoughts... for myself, mostly!

So, today is my birthday! I'm thirty-five today. Tomorrow is my oldest daughter's birthday, she will be eight! I always tell her she should be thankful that she has her own birthday, since they wanted to induce me such that she would have been born on *my* birthday. But being the ever-so-thoughtful person I am, I held out... then gave in and allowed them to START inducing me on my birthday, so that my in-laws could make it home in time to be with the rest of the family on Thanksgiving. It's always been one of those funny things to me... how when you have a child, suddenly your own birthday is so much less important. Yeah, mine is just the one before the really important birthday, which is sort of a birthday for me as well, since it's the day I got to become a hands-on mommy instead of an in-utero mommy. So, the birth of a mother.

I think we all tend to have those dates or birthdays or moments when you do stop and take stock. I think this might be my moment. It's been a pretty interesting 35 years for me (it's always good when someone thinks their own life is interesting, right?) and a pretty intense eight years of motherhood as well. So much of who I am is defined by being a mother. It's always fun to think of myself in my different stages- I definitely have my favorite! A child in a troubled family (alcoholism, suicide, remarriage, bad marriage, divorce, abundance and poverty, emotional abuse were all at play in my family growing up). A teen trying to separate and individuate, somewhat unsuccessfuly, in high school. In college, finally gaining independence and confidence and finding my niche (this was one of of my favorite stages!) Then grad school, which the transition to adulthood and then marriage. And when I should have been wrapping that up and settling into an academic career, a new little person came into my life, and I decided to focus on being a mom instead. New adventures, new titles, and lots of "it's not about me, it's about them" came into focus.

I love my life. I really don't have regrets, other than wasting time, money and energy on things that I shouldn't have. I'm really glad to be where I am in life right now. Yes, there are moments of being frustrated and overwhelmed, but really I'm good. And thankful. And blessed.

But, I think it's good to sort of stop here for a minute, and think about things. Sort of take a deep breath. My children are not so little right now, but they are still needy, and will be for a while. And try to look ahead to my next milestones... one year out, five years out. What will it be like when I'm 40? I know my family will still be my primary focus- I'll be celebrating my daughter's 13th birthday when I'm 40! I really hope that I will be someone who is up for the task of parenting a teen daughter, well, in this time and place. And I hope that I find joy and satisfaction in my life a year and five years from now.

I'm trying to shape my thoughts about what my priorities are, so that I can be the woman that I want and hope to be down the road. When I think of my future self, I hope that I am more of who God wants me to be, since I know He is at work, transforming me. I'm so easily distracted, by the unimportant (which is not the same as mundane, to me) that I had to come up with some simple words that capture how I want to be in five years.

Connected... I hope that I continue to be strongly connected to my husband, children, family, and friends. I hope that I can continue to build friendships and deepen relationships. I also am thinking of connections to church and volunteer organizations that I am part of.

Content... I think it's very natural when looking forward to be thinking of material things, accomplishments, home environment, etc. I hope that I am content, not because I will have more, but because I will have the right attitude about what I have. And of course, I hope I am content with less, do more with less, and all those other lovely simple living philosophies.

Confident... Here I'm thinking of a confidence in God, in knowing that I belong to Him, that he has placed me here for a reason. The kind of confidence that I'm thinking of doesn't come from self-help books, but will come out of relationship with the Lord and others that he places in my life. And confidence knowing that if things don't go as I plan or hope or dream (and they may very well not!) that he's there with me.

What I don't want to be... a mindless consumer! What I do want to be- a doer! A creative, active person. I want to be mindful about my use of technology (I have to admit I've played a few too many games on my new smartphone!), media and getting sucked up in the obtainment of stuff (aka be content.)

As a mother of course I always have plenty to do, but I need to be thoughtful and also I do need to have a better handle on the big picture. I can continue to be pretty much at my children's beck and call, and find myself exhausted in five years. Or I can be largely available to my children, but also carve out some time for me to do things that are good for me and will help me be a better mother. I need to get better at that balance, and maybe look for women in my life who model this well. (I don't want to stop being an attentive mom, but I am really looking forward to doing things that are important to me personally, and I need to model that for my girls as well.)

This has been a fun mental exercise. I'm always just thankful to be here, mindful of my rather privileged existence (to have the ability to be home with my kids, and not want for food or shelter, and be with people I love and care about.) As the daughter of a mother who committed suicide, I think that somehow that sharpens my awareness and thankfulness for where I am today. I wish that my mother was here to celebrate my birthday with me, but sadly she is not. Still, I am thankful that she was my mother, and that I'm here today.

Blowing the dust off and making some changes!

After considering what my blogging goals are, I've decided to make some changes! I have just created a blog where I will post specifically about homeschooling and family life, located at Dogwood Homeschool. Homeschooling is an important part of my life and certainly occupies a lot of my thoughts, time and energy. It is not my only interest, however, so I hope that this blog will become a place where I can write about my own personal interests... books, home arts (decorating, cooking, celebrations), Christianity, my quest to take better care of myself, parenting issues that don't specifically pertain to homeschooling, and maybe even some photography and digital scrapbooking again if I can fit that into my life!

So, if you are specifically interested in my homeschooling posts, you might want to follow my new blog. I'm writing for myself here, not any specific audience, and I anticipate that some months I might write a lot about books and other months I might blog about home decorating projects. Some days I might have the occassional deep thought or two that I want to get down in written form. Who knows! I just need a place where I can explore my own interests and passions that are not necessarily "child-centered" (though so much of my life really is, it's just the season!)

I will be "cleaning up" this blog shortly and I hope to update the header and overall look. I will leave all my posts here for the current time (including homeschooling posts) until I can figure out if it's possible to move them or not. Otherwise, I will just move forward with posts on this blog and hope that I will have a chance to write here regularly.

 

What are my habits, anyway?

I think about this a lot, what my habits are and what they say about me. When I read what educator Charlotte Mason writes about habits, sometimes I feel a bit unformed and hopeless myself- how can I cultivate good habits in my children, when no one really took the time to cultivate them in me, so now I really have to train myself, in a way?

That's discouraging. But maybe I shouldn't be discouraged. I'm sure I have some bad habits "to break" so to speak, but I also have some good habits, too. And I think they show where my heart is...

Things I do pretty much every day...

Hug & snuggle & "love on" my children.

Kiss my husband and tell him I love him.

Enjoy my kids and spend time talking to them.

Prepare one to four meals a day (sometimes I do two dinners, an earlier, simpler kid dinner and something later for the adults... that's a new habit, actually.)

Clean something. Or a lot of somethings. Or clean a lot.

Plan something.

Laugh with my girls or say silly things.

Put my glasses on. I can't see otherwise.

Comfort someone who is hurting.

Read... for myself and to my girls. Always.

Put my children to bed every night with our fairly elaborate bedtime routine. I am blessed to watch my four year-old fall asleep every night. (Take that as you will, how I feel about it depends on the night!)

"Check in" with one or more of my friends.

Check my email and check in with imaginary friends (some of whom are real people I have met, I swear.)

Things I wish I did every day but I still do a lot but should do more... I guess things I want to become habits, to become natural?

Pray, more than short desperate "help me out Lord" prayers.

Along with that, spend more time in the Word...

Write more. Write everyday. Not just messageboards, email or blogging.

Walking... for exercise and more regularly. (I sort of have a plan on this one.)

Discern what's really important and let the rest go. Cease from beating myself up.

Count my blessings and rejoice.

How about you? What do your habits say about you, the good ones anyway? How do you go about establishing new habits? Mine just came to be because they are what's important for me and necessary for my life. They come from the love of my heart and from the hopes and dreams that I have. I don't think I can adopt habits that are not "me" or that don't fit my purpose in life and God-given personality.

Maybe what I'm describing above is more habits as a way of being, rather than a tool for accomplishing goals or being super-productive or wealthy or such. But they certainly shape and enrich and in part define my life, and I think show who I really am and what I want my life to be like.

 

It bears repeating...

Rome wasn't built in a day.

(photo found here)

For me, this bears repeating. I often feel overwhelmed as I think of the big tasks ahead of me, in a way that I didn't when I was younger and life was exciting and so many things were to be started in the future. But now I've started building Rome, or Rome and its suburbs perhaps, and I am realizing what a huge job it is.

I am the mother of two beautiful, bright, spirited girls. Right now I struggle with the daily tasks with them, caring for them in times of sickness (including a recent illness that resulted in our first overnight hospital stay, much to my surprise), educating them, encouraging their sisterly relationship, correcting them in their disobedience and coping with their immaturity (and discerning the difference!), nurturing their unique gifts and talents and bringing out the best of their personalities, helping them understand their place in this big world and the needs of others, and most important, teaching them about the love and sacrifice of their Heavenly Father. My goal is to raise my girls so that they develop into warm-hearted, beautiful young women who are educated, thoughtful, energetic and passionate about life and full of love for their creator and other people. I have a vision for them, of what I long for them to be, but sadly I am not sure that I myself am the kind of woman that I aspire for them to be. 

Motherhood isn't the only area of my life where I feel daunted. I am also a wife, and I want to support my husband in his job as he is the only source of income for our family right now. In the future, I want him to be able to pursue his hobbies and passions, but that day seems far away due to time, money and our current focus on our daughters. I am also a daughter of the king, as my 3 year old's favorite book, "The True Princess" so beautifully describes. But sometimes I act like a beggar at the door, who is not a member of the family. But I am a beggar in many ways, in need of much love and grace and also power that is not my own. Thankfully I have a source, though I don't ask as often as I should.

Other life goals that come along with the status of being an adult in a western nation can feel like heavy burdens. Until I flip them. Financial goals, to live below our means and be able to give generously. (I feel like we are not succeeding like we should be, but thank you Lord for the opportunity to try and to be able to feel like we could live on less when others don't have enough to meet their needs!) To become a healthier and smaller person. I have a lot of weight to lose, several dress sizes to go down. Today my dad told me that I looked good, and the first words out of my mouth "I need to lose more weight." My dad frowned and said, "But you have done great, and it takes time." It's hard for me to hear encouraging words when I know how far I am from my goal, but at least I have support and resources to continue down this path! To pursue my vocational goals, of working to support breastfeeding mothers and also that back-burner dream of writing fiction and being published. (I sort of want to put that last dream in small print, I've done so little to pursue it but it has been a dream, more than a goal, for so many years!) I'm thankful I live in a place where I have options and the freedom to get an education, to write, to freely explore my options. I might fail but at least I can try. 

Sometimes I am so focused on all the things that I have to do, the things that I'm not, the ways that I'm falling short, that I forget to think about what I'm doing and where I am. I know that Rome was not always the amazing city that it was at the height of its history. Once it was a crossroads, then a small village, then a bustling town. All good and reasonable things to be.

I am where I am now, and God has placed me here, and it is a good thing. I just need to enjoy... being. I am blessed, have been blessed, and I know that I will continue to be blessed. 

Ram in the thicket...

I am blown away by Ann's post at A Holy Experience... I named this blog "in the thicket" because when I started it, I felt like that's where I lived, my house was surrounded by large bushes, and also a play on words in the thicket/in the thick of it, meaning I'm in a challenging stage of life as a wife and mother of two young girls. But after reading Ann's beautiful post, I certainly have a new view of what I need to be looking for in the thicket...

"Today, what worry, fear, anxiety can we lay down? We choose to walk in faith, knowing that there is a Ram in the thicket. And His name is Jesus."

Too much mommy and not enough me...or not enough fun... or something like that!

I feel like I'm in a late February funk right now. (Along with half of America, I would guess!) I'm stumbling around my mind trying to get to the root cause of my "funk." Poking at one thing, maybe if I could just get organized enough... nah I am fairly organized, I don't think that tackling my bonus room or junk drawer is really the answer here. Poking in a different corner, maybe I need to make more lists of all the things that I'm not doing so I'll really see where I'm falling short. Lists of things like the perfect way to clean my house and keep it clean, all the "cooking from scratch" projects I want to do in the kitchen, five craft projects I want to do with my kids before Easter... I could go on. All good stuff. Stuff I do care about. Except right now I'm wondering if I care too much about them? Or if I care in the wrong way, in a laundry-list sort of way instead of a "let me live life to the fullest and with gratitude and embrace the good moments and the hard moments and then sleep really hard and get up and do it all again... with a smile on my face."

I don't really have an answer. Whether it's a matter of balancing the me time vs the God time (shouldn't that be all the time though?) vs the endless "Mommy mommy mommy" time vs the family time vs the oh yeah I'm married and I kind of like spending time with him too that doesn't involve watching hockey time.

Or maybe I just need about two weeks of not-freezing weather and I'll feel OK. Along with the rest of America.

Slipping into fiction again

I can't quite articulate why, but I have had a really hard time getting into a groove of regularly reading fiction since I have had children. I've read non-fiction, stacks and stacks of non-fiction, about parenting, faith, food, politics, knitting, home organization, and any other random topics that catch my eye. But because of the chaotic nature of my days, it's hard for me to read fiction since I so often need to pick up/put down my book. And I used to be someone who for years and years read an average of 4-5 novels a week. A WEEK. That does not include required reading for school. Classic, trashy or trendy, I probably read it!

So I'm very thankful that I've recently been able to slip into reading fiction. It is something I have missed so much. Unlike my time on the computer, which often leaves me feeling blah or down or unmotivated (idly checking my email, facebook, messageboards, blogs, and now twitter), reading fiction seems to energize me and lift my mood. I'm now able to read a few chapters, put my book down and then be productive for a while, and the urge to see where the story goes is a positive motivator for me. I'm finding time to read during the day while waiting for my kids to do something, while watching them play outside, or just those random downtime's throughout the day. I think I'm doing a pretty good job not letting it get out of hand, but it is really nice to take 15 minutes and do something that is just refreshing for me. Unless I get started with something at night- I have had a few late nights just because I had to finish a book!

I do wonder why spending time online leaves me feeling so drained. I've been mulling over two possibilities, both are probably true. The first is Information overload. My time online bounces from place to place, and I read a wide variety of short snippets of things, and a few more indepth things. But usually on different topics. There is no cohesion, no thread for me to follow. Sometimes I read good things, other times I stumble upon negative stories or rants or depressing news. Rabbit trails everywhere.

The second possibility is emotional connection. As crazy as it sounds, I am emotionally connected to people I "know" online. Some of whom I'm blessed to actually be close to in real life, while others I have met a handful of times, while still others I have just "known" forever online. I am an extremely empathetic person, and as much as I love keeping up with what is going on in the lives of my friends, near and far, through this amazing thing called the internet that we all take for granted now, I do find that if I don't guard myself it overwhelms me. Sometimes I make a misstep myself, and don't "read" someone well. Sometimes my heart aches so much for someone who is struggling and the distance between us overwhelms me because I can't actually help physically, and my virtual hugs seem, well, lame. I also struggle with my tendency to "keep track" of everyone's views that I know of and try to accommodate them in my words as not to offend, or I make the wrong assumption that they can handle my "honest" words and end up hurting instead of helping or communicating appropriately. Sometimes it's a virtual landmine.

The reason I keep coming back, though, is because I do value my relationships, and I do feel that I find information that is of value to me as I live my life that is more accessible than elsewhere. I know that some people find it is better to take a "fast" from the internet for a time when the balance between time spent online and their life obligations gets out of whack, or just when they are too busy to find the time to be online for a season. I admit that I have not always looked favorably upon that strategy, because the positives of internet have always loomed large in my mind. Yet I still have to acknowledge the physical, mental and emotional toll it *can* take on me.

Because of this, I'm glad that I'm finally able to add a steady diet of fiction back into my life. Reading fiction also greatly enriches my life, gives me new thoughts and insights, distracts me from minor annoyances, refreshes me and I think because I find it so compelling adds a natural balance to the time I spend online. It's a strong pull for me too, which I think I needed, especially since I have greatly cut back on my other "passion"- digital scrapbooking. I do hope to pick that up again, but it definitely doesn't do as much good for me as reading fiction does. I love stories. Sometimes I do wonder whether I just love reading people's stories online. I'm amazed at how vulnerable and transparent and real some of my online friends are. And I love that they trust me to share, and I'm amazed at what people will put on blogs. (Like I'm doing here, but I doubt many will read this!) But with fiction, I can follow the stories while not feeling the emotional burden of caring about someone. I do feel that as a Christian I am called to care for and love others, but I also know that I have limits and need to keep it real, so to speak, and to make sure that I stay refreshed so that I can love those I'm in daily contact with.

When I sat down to write this, I actually thought I was going to do a quick overview of some of the books I've read recently... but I think I'm hitting a wall, so I'll save that for another post!